Not until the wedding. Six signs your relationship has no future

Director of the Vladimir dating agency “Me and You”, family psychologist, interpersonal relationship consultant Elena Kuznetsova voiced six signs that...

1. You have different goals

When, they somehow stipulate why they want to be together: they want children, or they want to build a house, or they want to travel together. Plans can be both nearby and far-reaching, it doesn’t matter. The main thing is that they are common and unifying, notes Kuznetsova.

Problems in relationships begin when a couple’s goals either do not coincide, or one of the two people does not adhere to these goals. We discussed one thing, but in reality it turns out completely different. This situation also leads to conflicts. Some, trying to fight for a relationship, remind the chosen one of what they agreed on earlier: “Do you remember what we were striving for?” In response they hear: “No, I don’t remember,” or: “The conversation was not about that at all.” If similar dialogues occur between you and your partner, this indicates that you and your relationship have no future.

Here's a primitive example. A young couple decided to buy a meat grinder. We discussed it and decided that this is a very necessary thing in the household, but since we can’t afford it, we need to save up for it. They save for a month. And suddenly, when almost the entire amount has been collected, the guy takes the money and buys himself a fishing rod. It seems like a small thing, but... There will be more in the future, and frequent scandals will arise based on such “little things,” the psychologist warns.

“Of course, in a couple, the views of a man and a woman should coincide on global things: on the arrangement of life, the distribution of roles in the family and the family budget, raising children, on moral values. But there are also little things that you shouldn’t forget about. If your partner is not able to follow agreements even in them, then nothing good can be expected in the future. Coincidence and following small goals is the best way to show whether you are going together or not. There are no trifles in relationships, because it’s not about global issues, but just about nonsense. Ultimately, the streams of discontent gather into a huge river, and a breakthrough occurs. ", explains Kuznetsova.

2. Irritation with each other, dissatisfaction, constant quarrels

Here, as they say, see point one. Frequent scandals in couples usually occur because people could not agree on small things. It all starts with everyday and personal moments and ends with global issues. Constant petty squabbles indicate that there are serious problems in the relationship.

3. Jealousy is not an indicator of love

This is not about healthy jealousy, or the manifestation of a sense of ownership, which indicate that a person simply wants more time: “Why did you go to the cinema without me?”, “Why didn’t you take me to your friends?”, but about pathological jealousy . This is the most natural diagnosis that leads to dependent relationships, primarily because neither the partner nor, most importantly, oneself.

“If you are dating, his painful feelings are not your fault. He was like this before he met you, but you were simply unlucky with your partner. You can be the prude of prudes, and not at all, but everything will turn out to be in vain. You will still be jealous of every pillar just because the person has a disease. This is ineradicable. And you shouldn’t console yourself with hopes, like: “This will pass,” or “I won’t give reasons for jealousy” - none of this works. You don't give a reason anyway. Over time, the situation will only worsen,” the psychologist concluded.

4. Distance

This point is controversial. Much depends on how long the separation lasts, how long people were together before breaking up, and how great their feelings were. If, and the separation lasts a maximum of two years, then there is a chance to save the relationship and wait for a partner. If the separation is prolonged, then even though feelings in the couple still remain, . You cannot replace a living person with communication via the Internet, SMS or telephone. Prolonged separation is detrimental to relationships.

5. Constant doubts about choice

If you can't decide whether you trust him, whether you want to be with him, etc., this is a bad sign. In a healthy relationship, such fears and doubts dissipate over time as people open up more and more and get to know each other. According to words and, most importantly, actions, one can quite clearly understand. If time passes and doubts do not decrease, this is a wake-up call. It may not only be about your partner, but also about yourself. It’s you who are not confident in yourself, and you don’t trust yourself, and therefore you still can’t make up your mind. Remember that relationships with someone are only possible if you are in harmony with yourself.

“When relationships in a couple develop harmoniously and calmly, rough edges are smoothed out, fears become less, more experience in interacting with a partner is gained, people in a couple feel more calm, confident and comfortable. If time passes, and doubts and fears about the future together do not subside, the problem is either with you or with your partner,” states the psychologist.

6. Your partner is from a dysfunctional family

You should not hope for a strong union if your partner grew up in a family where there were no family values. For example, the parents divorced, and the mother, with whom the child remained, was not very involved with him, but tried to arrange her own. At the same time, she is a potential candidate for another husband. All this happened before his son’s eyes, and the boy absorbed just such an experience of living together. Having become an adult, even if he wants to, he will not be able to do this, because he does not know how. If a woman tries to lead her chosen one in order to “teach” the wisdom of maintaining a home, he will not follow her, because due to the negative experience received in childhood, there is no trust in the fairer sex. This is a dead end.

“You must take into account the concept of your partner’s family and not demand logic from your chosen one in relationships - this is how life should be, and that’s all. A man simply doesn’t know about this, and, most importantly, he is not trained in this,” Kuznetsova emphasized.

If you have questions for psychologist Elena Kuznetsova, you can ask them by writing a letter to the editorial office of AiF-Vladimir: [email protected] .

Romantic relationships can be compared to a rowing boat. And if the rowers control it asynchronously, it will stand still, spin, or even sink. In order to master the skills of steering a ship called Love, you need to invest internal resources. But even if you agree to do this titanic work, you may be intimidated by the path that must be overcome together. What if this relationship is doomed to failure from the start? What if you waste your time? Therefore, before you set sail together, we suggest you find out whether your couple has a future. The following parameters will help you with this.

You have identified common goals

Partners in a harmonious relationship are well aware of their needs and desires. They know very well what they want from their life together. Lovers are not afraid to wonder where they see themselves in five or ten years, and do not hesitate to discuss the topic of having children or building a career. Without appropriate goals for the future, it is difficult to synchronize your own desires with your partner's needs. Some of you do not see a future without official marriage, while others are not ready to take on financial obligations. There can be many reasons for inconsistencies. And if this is not cleared up now, your family boat will not withstand the test of storms.

You've created the perfect emotional equation

Ideal relationships can be called those that resemble a correct equation. The unknowns should be the ability to understand your partner’s concerns and fears, as well as the degree of support. If difficult times happen, you will be confident that you can rely on each other and work as a unit.

Exciting intimacy

Can you name the main reason why romantic relationships fade and break up? If you think that we are talking about the poor quality (lack) of intimacy, then your guesses are correct. Most spouses, especially if they have many years of marriage behind them, tend to think that true love is based on sublime platonic feelings. However, they miss one important point. Experts in the field of family relationships believe that intimacy is the foundation of a strong connection. Therefore, if sexual compatibility is evident in your couple, this indicates that in the future you will be able to avoid the lion’s share of quarrels and misunderstandings.

Frankness

Honesty belongs to the category of virtues, and without this quality no relationship can survive. When partners are frank with each other, a wall of misunderstanding cannot grow between them, but lies, secrecy and betrayal can do so.

Happiness

The main thing you have to understand before you continue sailing together is whether you are truly experiencing happiness? A perfect relationship won't make you cry, suffer, or doubt your future. And if you have experienced more grief than joy, it’s time to rethink your life together. They say that building relationships is like hard work, but if you don't like the work, it turns into hard labor. Only what you love can bring emotional satisfaction, and only happy relationships have a future.

Hello. Will we have a life together? And what do I need to do for this? We are in love, but he is married. The family hasn't been like that for a long time. The children have grown up. But it’s hard for him to give up everything.

Here are our dates Lily 04/17/70. Nikolay 08/13/72

Lilya, according to your astrological data, you have no contraindications for living together. Everything else depends only on the two of you, or rather, only on you personally. If a woman does not insist and pretends that she is in the man’s position, he himself is unlikely to take the initiative and start getting a divorce, especially since he has lived in that family for many years.

You have probably heard that a person is the master of his own life. I’ll tell you more, you just have to want something very badly and make efforts to achieve your goal, then everything will definitely work out. So you need to think about whether or not you want to spend your whole life with this person. And if you decide what you want, then start changing the situation in your favor.

You will be able to slander the food you treat your man to. You have the opportunity to read spells on the men's clothing that he wears. Women of all ages and nations have used love magic. These spells do not harm anyone unless you use black magic. But these spells are used only to drive a rival away from the world, and you, as I understand it, only need your man to come to you.

How to perform rituals correctly?

I won’t write the texts myself, you can choose for yourself which one you see fit. I'll just explain where you start and how to finish.

Any magical effect must begin with cleansing yourself and your home. This is done very simply, buy a church candle and cleanse your home. To cleanse yourself, you need to read lectures against the evil eye and damage.

All texts can be found, you need to learn them by heart and whisper, whisper. If the desire is strong and you are not lazy, everything will work out for you. Or maybe you will suffer and realize that he is not worth it, and soon marry a free man.

Ask your partner to set aside some time to talk. If you want to have a serious conversation with your partner, it might be a good idea to set aside a certain amount of time for the conversation. Then you won't have to interrupt the conversation for phone calls, TV shows, or other people's distractions. So ask your partner when he has time for this conversation.

• Some people get nervous when their loved one asks about time for a serious conversation. Reassure your partner that you have no plans to break up with him (he'll think that's what you're planning to do) and that you hope the conversation will be positive.

Discuss your desires to create a long-lasting relationship. Tell your partner about your long-term relationship goals. Communicate what you want from a relationship in general, not specifically with your current partner.

• For example, do you see yourself getting married, do you want to have children, how do you imagine your home (for example, a large mansion or a small apartment in the city)? Do you plan to work yourself or want to be a stay-at-home mom (or dad).
• If you're afraid that your partner might just go along with your goals to avoid conflict, try talking to them and asking them about their long-term goals first.
• Be as honest as possible with your partner, even if you have to disagree with something. Don't force yourself to do something you don't want to do.
• If it turns out your long-term goals are different, that doesn't mean you should end the relationship immediately. If your goals are still a long way to go (for example, you're both in high school or college and have a lot of things you want to accomplish before you get married and have kids), but you enjoy spending time with each other, it's best to leave it at at the moment everything is as it is. However, you both need to understand that no one has to change in order to stay in the relationship.
• If you have completely different goals, you should not maintain such a relationship in the hope that your partner will change. Sometimes this happens, but most likely it won't happen. In this case, both of you will simply be wasting your time, and in the end, you will only be left with a feeling of disappointment and resentment.

Your union definitely has a chance if:

1. You know how to laugh at yourself and each other.

“Let’s be clear right away: we do not mean malicious and contemptuous ridicule, which serves only to feel one’s own superiority over another. Such ridicule destroys relationships. It's more about the ability to not take yourself too seriously and the ability to laugh good-naturedly at your or your partner's quirks. These could be jokes about, say, your partner’s favorite movie, his or your past mistakes or selfish actions,” explains psychologist Ryan Howes.

2. You find ways to express your love even in small ways.

“It’s easy to have sex, but it’s much more difficult to show your love every day. There are many ways to show your partner how much you love and appreciate them. Every little thing plays a role - for example, she does not forget to make him coffee in the morning, and he constantly reminds her how much he appreciates her hard work. If partners constantly take care of each other, this is an important sign that the relationship has a great future,” says family therapist Curt Smith.

3. You agree with each other on important issues.

“For a relationship to last long, it is important that the core values ​​of the partners coincide. Research shows that the closer the views on issues such as religion, money, the number of children and the characteristics of their upbringing, the higher the likelihood that people will live together for the rest of their lives. That is why it is better to seriously discuss your main life values ​​at the initial stage of dating - they are unlikely to change much in the future,” advises Karl Pillemer, professor of human development at Cornell University.

4. You are lenient with each other.

“Even when your partner lets you down or treats you in a bad way (for example, he’s late for your birthday), you assume he has a reason and didn’t do it to spite you. Instead of blaming, you simply explain to your partner how his behavior made you feel and suggest what you can do to avoid repeating similar mistakes in the future. If your partner is still endlessly late, all you have to do is come to terms with it. In the end, you yourself chose this person,” reminds sexologist Celeste Hirschman.

5. You don't count who owes what to whom.

“Ideally, partners love and care for each other without expecting anything in return. They share their love “for free”, the expression of feelings for them is a reward in itself. But this doesn't always happen. In many couples, partners do something nice to each other in hopes of reciprocating. Arguments begin in the spirit: “I washed the dishes five times last week!” or “You’ve already gone out with your friends five times, and during this time I’ve only met with my friends once!” Instead of calculating who owes whom what and expecting your partner to “make up for what’s missing,” why not just agree on an option that suits both? For example: “We both hate doing dishes, let’s take turns doing it: me one week, you the next,” suggests Ryan Howes.

6. You don’t avoid problems, but solve them together

“In a healthy relationship, partners don’t put off solving problems. Difficulties are an integral part of life; they should not be seen as something bad that must be avoided at all costs. Often, overcoming difficulties together can bring partners even closer and strengthen their relationship. It takes courage to cope with problems, but the reward will be a stronger and more reliable union,” says Curt Smith.

7. You accept responsibility for errors.

“It is important that each partner takes responsibility for their actions and their results. If you did something wrong because you were upset and worried, it is worth admitting your mistake and explaining yourself. For example: “Sometimes when I’m upset, I literally start stalking you. I understand how tiring this is for you.” To which the partner may respond: “Yes, it can be difficult. But sometimes I seem to “switch off.” It probably scares you." If partners are ready to take responsibility for their behavior, their relationship has a great future,” says sexologist Daniella Harel.