How to keep married life. How to save a marriage after infidelity
Our psychologists have already written a lot about how to prevent cheating, how important it is to maintain a healthy climate in the family, love each other, and many others.
But what about those who have already faced treason? How to forgive and is it worth forgiving? How to maintain a relationship and is it worth it?
In the relationship between men and women, cheating is an indicator that something is happening and in fact it is not always clear what exactly.
Someone can explain what the betrayal is connected with and specifically voices feelings and reasons. And someone in disbelief shrugs his shoulders and speaks about the feeling of guilt towards the partner. Usually these are hard feelings and partners are tormented, in rare cases, cheating is a process of self-affirmation, for example, in men.
If a woman does not respect her partner and he does not get what he deserves in a relationship, getting outside takes place. So to speak, replenishment of feelings. For the most part, male infidelity is not always a betrayal at the level of the soul and the partner either has fun, or tests feelings in the partner, or increases self-esteem, or simply satisfies physiological needs.
For women, everything is a little different: for example, there is not enough care and attention, revenge on a partner, the search for a spiritual connection. The latter is often frightening and causes indignation in the ranks of men. It seems that the man is satisfied with his actions and behavior, but the partner does not feel the warmth. And since a man lives more by logic in his mind, this does not fit well.
Then the man says: "I don't know, what else is she missing?"- I earn money, my family is provided for, there is no need. And only the woman talks about something else. She says that she is looking for more - contact at the level of the soul. Something that may not be in a relationship or lost as a result of a partnership.
When cheating occurs on the part of a woman, the partner is amazed, forgiving means ignoring your manhood, undermining confidence and trust in the relationship.
It is so difficult for a man to forgive that in rare cases and with a strong feeling it only remains possible. Sometimes a partner is addicted in a relationship and this can also affect the principle of forgiveness. No more compensation. With women, things are different: it is difficult to forgive, but more often the opportunity is more real. A partner with pain in her soul and by virtue of feelings can accept the situation, but if possible she will want to take revenge.
The most interesting thing is that in either case, the partners have an accumulation of emotions and the response is important. Balancing and rebalancing in a relationship boils down to the fact that the offended partner wants revenge or payback for the pain caused. The question always arises: "What can you do or are you willing to do to maintain the relationship?"
The bottom line is that the partner must somehow balance, for example, to hurt, a little less. Then the couple maintains a relationship and the story may continue. In family counseling, often treatment on the topic of treason is such that at the time of the betrayal, partners cannot even talk. The pain is so strong in the first stages. They can't even look at each other and say how hard it is for them. Of course, if the betrayal occurred due to an unconscious context.
In the case of betrayal, feelings are connected, which interfere with moving in the direction of a joint decision to preserve the relationship. Resentment on the part of the one who was hurt, guilt on the part of the one who caused the pain and, accordingly, claims arise. The slightest details and negative moments in the relationship may come up. It is important here return partners to the time and place when they felt good and if the desire and feelings are preserved, it is possible and worthwhile to rehabilitate the relationship.
Unfortunately, this is not always the case. And one of the couple, for example, says that he does not care. There are no feelings and no regrets about the perfect. Then there is nothing to save. Families where partners have children are more tormented. The responsibility for the breakdown of the family is divided into two.
You can only keep what exists. You cannot destroy what is no longer there! The wisdom of a woman is often advantageous, the system of preserving the family hearth is triggered. The second point is that a woman can cope with a lot when it comes to, for example, children. In some families, regardless of gender, upbringing is based on the principle: married once or married - live. The third point is children. Nothing stops and encourages to maintain a relationship like a joint child. This is neither good nor bad, but it helps and gives strength to the relationship to grow, even as a result of a partner's betrayal.
If everyone thought about the consequences of betrayal, a lot of things would not have happened. And if everyone spoke out their expectations before entering into a marriage or an agreement to build a relationship, part of the relationship would simply not happen. Building and growing relationships is not an easy task!
Relationships are built in four hands and I kill, too, in four hands. And often the one who has been cheated is also not a bastard, except, of course, in rare cases when betrayal and the search for a new partner occurs due to complexes and rejection of oneself or the assertion of belonging to the family system.
For example, the grandfather was walking, the father was walking, the following is postponed in the man's unconscious: "If I do otherwise, I will betray my race. I must be like men of the race."
It may be different for women, because the principle of conservation was originally laid down by its nature. Unless, of course, due to the interweaving of a kind, she does not realize what this is connected with. Increased sexuality and lack of realization of sexual energy or the inability to release this energy in another way. Unrealization of oneself as a woman and more.
You can make many descriptions of why, but the main thing is all the same in everything this is forgiveness... Not easy, but possible! Desire and self-improvement work wonders. And then the partners stay together, each other's value appears (the fear of loss is experienced) and the relationship moves to another level. They get stronger, partners gain strength and there is movement in the relationship. In these cases, it is a movement towards each other.
Cheating is a difficult test for any couple. Moreover, cheating is a problem of the couple as a whole, and not exclusively the fault of the changed partner. Of course, the partner who has been cheated is painful, insulting, he feels anger, disappointment, and he needs time to work out these feelings, it is better to be accompanied by a psychologist, and what should the changed partner do at this time? To start try to find out the motivation for what happened, answer yourself the questions "Why did what happened to me?" v family life? "," Will I be able to find an opportunity to get in my family life what I lack in it and what I aspired to get from the other (s)? "," What do I want from life in general and from family life in particular ? ".
Often, cheating is a consequence of the fact that your spouse was unable to give you the feeling that you are loved and desired, a sense of the need and importance of you as a person. And there are two reasons, perhaps you initially chose the wrong partner and maybe initially wrongly built their relationship: they didn't talk about something, they kept silent about something, didn't want to figure out what each of you needed, didn't convey all this (their needs, desires and expectations) to each other, were inattentive and not observant enough.
Second, what can and should be done when the changed spouse has done the work described above, and the changed partner "cooled down", and it is better to work with his feelings with a psychologist - to talk. Discuss the reasons for the act, the commonality of the problem, what the changed spouse received in a new relationship, or otherwise what he lacked in the family, and often not sex is paramount, but recognition, attention, sincere interest, admiration for the new partner, that is, he fulfilled those needs about which he was previously afraid to openly declare. You should also discuss what feelings you experienced throughout history, before and after it, and what feelings your spouse experienced.
Well third step concerns future prospects. Only after having a good understanding of the motives of your own behavior, in your relationship and having discussed all this with your spouse, is it worth making a decision about whether to try to start rebuilding life or to part. If the spouse files for divorce and does not want to listen to anything, does not want to meet you halfway, then is it worth it then to regret this person, about the person who puts his grievances at the forefront? If the dialogue takes place, then it is necessary to figure out together what is wrong in your relationship, is it possible to somehow change this “wrong” for the better, and if “yes”, how exactly? And if both of you think that all this is possible, then continue with the restoration of relations, but remember that this is not a matter of one day. And if suddenly you once again have a desire to cheat on your partner, it means that you stop (or have already stopped) cherishing what you have - your partner's feelings, your relationship, which means that you are not very afraid of losing them.
This is a huge job, hard and demanding a lot of effort. Like any disease, cheating is easier to prevent than to restore a relationship after it. Therefore, use dialogue, talk about your needs, be attentive to your partner.
Treason, yes, the relationship in a partner pair has really changed. What led to such changes, only he and she know. They stopped looking at each other with love and respect - this makes it possible for a third to appear. The reason for such a departure, distance from each other, each couple has its own, but most often it is resentment, unjustified expectations, lack of understanding in a married couple. A family is not just a group of people living in the same territory, it is a single living organism, a family system. Here it is worth talking not about maintaining the relationship in a couple, but about their qualitative change. Without asking true reasons what happened about any constructive changes in attitude is out of the question. Moreover, this clarification should not turn into a simple skirmish with the presentation of claims to the partner, no, it should be a dialogue aimed at mutual understanding. Only after that, each of the spouses decides whether he wants to continue to build relationships with this partner or not. It so happens that one of the partners wants to continue to build relationships, and the other intends to end these relationships, so his choice should be respected. In any case, partnerships are partnerships for that, without a pair of these relationships simply do not exist. Those of the partners who are left with the trauma of loss, feelings of resentment, grief, anger should seek psychological help in order to regain peace of mind.
Relationships need to be maintained if people are connected by good friendly relations, not just intimacy. Reconciliation requires great willpower to overcome your selfishness and resentment. By talking to each other, you can find out the reason for the betrayal, suggest whether it is possible to change the relationship in a couple and whether it is worth continuing them. If people already have a desire to put grievances aside, then we can say that relations can be restored.
"I changed)..."
The first question you can ask yourself is, "Why did this happen?" If you are satisfied with the relationship with your partner / partner, then you are unlikely to commit adultery. And since this happened, it means that something does not suit you in a joint or intimate life with your partner / partner.
What you are missing in your relationship and how to improve it, you can think about later. Now you need to decide do you want to keep the relationship with a partner / partner.
If you want to keep the relationship, then don't say ANYTHING! Even if you are burdened by the current situation, you have remorse, it is difficult for you to keep in yourself what happened - in no case do not discuss what happened to your mutual friends and acquaintances! They can inadvertently, without malicious intent, inadvertently let out your partner / partner. And, as always, it can happen at the most inopportune moment!
By admitting that you are unfaithful, you will only make your partner / partner worse (resentment, feeling like “second class”) and yourself (you can lose your partner / partner).
If you find it difficult to carry this "secret" in yourself, then talk to a psychologist. Write your thoughts down on a piece of paper. Describe how you are experiencing, what feelings you are experiencing. Reread what you have written and tear or burn the sheet. Do not leave notes so that your partner does not accidentally read something that is not intended for him / her.
If you intend to keep the relationship, then even if your partner / partner suspects you or presents 100% proof - refuse! If you are caught at the "crime scene", say that you do not know what has come over you, that you yourself do not understand how this could have happened! Assure that you were seduced, put sleeping pills into your tea - anything, just not that you are beautiful were aware of, what are you doing. Let your partner / partner save your face! It's one thing if you changed and didn't understand how everything happened. And a completely different matter (this is already a betrayal) if you knew that hurt the feelings of your partner / partner, but still decided to cheat. In the first case, your partner / partner will be able to understand and justify you, because the situation hurts his / her pride to a lesser extent. In the second case, your partner / partner may stay with you, maybe even forgive you. But he can never forget what happened. This incident will negatively affect your intimate relationship, since the deceived partner / partner will imagine how you caressed the other / another ... And most likely, you will no longer have a truly trusting relationship, because a broken vase can be glued together, but traces will still remain.
Another possible scenario is that you have learned new sexual techniques that your partner / partner does not know anything about. You fear that you will raise suspicion if you demonstrate something new in bed. Believe me, this is the smallest problem! You can always say that you saw something like this once in a movie, read a famous sexologist in a magazine or book, heard from a friend or colleague that you had an erotic dream and the like! If your partner / partner is dear to you, try to convince yourself that everything that happened was just a strange dream that never happened in reality.
And forget these tips if you do not value your partner / partner and are not interested in maintaining a relationship with him / her.
Let's start by looking at what cheating is? If we look in the dictionaries, we find - "voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a person who is not his or her spouse." Voluntary in the sense that it is not rape. In this dry definition, there are no references to how and under what circumstances it happens, as well as what feelings a person has for this "face"? Does he even know this "face"? Was it sober or intoxicated? Was it the one and only time, or is it a regular partner? Answering all these questions, you can find significant differences in the circumstances under which these very betrayals happen. But it is precisely these circumstances that are most often the most important in the decision to maintain a marriage or divorce. And if there are friendly relations between the spouses and they are bound by feelings for each other, yes, maybe they have cooled down over the years, but they still exist, and they are dear to each other, then you should not cut it off from the shoulder. The best way is to understand what contributed to the cheating happened. After all, a third person can appear when a crack has appeared between two people ... If the spouses are ready for a dialogue, they will be able to figure out why and why this very crack was formed. A family psychologist can help them with this. And, if the spouses decide that they will keep the marriage, then you need to find the courage to forgive and let go, and never talk about it again, not remember, not hurt yourself and your (your) spouse (s). It is easier to forgive and let go if you perceive the betrayal not as a betrayal, but as a mistake from which no one is immune. After all, many of our actions are unconscious, we are sometimes controlled by unconscious mechanisms, with which we are simply not able to cope. And when your spouse answers your question: "How could this happen?" replies: "I do not know what came over me", do not rush to accuse him (her) of irresponsibility. You, too, do not realize all of your actions ... The main thing is how your spouse now evaluates the situation: he repents or does not consider himself guilty. This is the starting point.
I have come across a huge number of different reasons for cheating.
Sometimes cheating is a cry of despair, signifying the intolerance of the underlying relationship. At the same time, the partner is most often still dear and important.
It happens that betrayal, paradoxically, is a way to preserve existing relationships. The guilt that arises as a result, unconsciously, very strongly binds the cheater to the partner.
Treason can be triggered by an impulse for revenge.
Be that as it may, there is no accidental betrayal. And she is usually a symptom that something is very wrong in the underlying relationship. This means that both partners, each in their own way, took part in the situation.
When it comes to mutual responsibility, the word “forgive” loses its meaning. Forgiveness has a taste of sacrifice and at the same time arrogant indulgence. "Forgive" is equal to "zero the score" of pain and all other feelings that were caused by the event, as if they were not there. This is really impossible. And often forgives actually take revenge later, knowingly or not.
In my opinion, in order to maintain relations after the betrayal, only joint living of what happened is effective, when partners sincerely talk about their feelings, motives, thoughts, reconsider their relationship in order to understand what were the reasons for the betrayal, think about how to live like to another, and is it even possible to remain a couple at all. This is a painful process. It takes courage and is only possible if the couple has had a truly intimate relationship. And it is not clear in advance whether both partners have enough strength to meet these feelings, whether they are important enough for each other to withstand these experiences.
I know that it happens that strong and warm families grow out of the "fiery vent" of clarifying and building new relationships after infidelity. I also know examples of how a partner who has forgiven betrayal has been dragging a bag of resentment and pain behind his back all his life, and relations in a surviving family are more like the Cold War and partisan warfare.
What exactly will be the result, you choose.
The first thing that helps is thinking without emotion and accepting responsibility. There is nothing accidental in life. Any "accidental connections" are not accidental. We allow events, we do them ourselves for an already always existing reason. Only to realize this reason, sometimes, it is possible only in the footsteps of actions.
Should you blame yourself for treason? My answer is no.
Guilt is not constructive in any way. Another thing is to understand that every action has consequences. Is there a willingness to accept these consequences? Psychological adulthood depends on this. Otherwise - responsibility.
What to do for those who have already faced treason?
Try to treat the situation as a challenge .
If your partner considers what happened to be of little importance to your relationship, he is ready to build it further, reflect on your feelings.
Is your loved one dear to you, as before, or does his act signal that your relationship has long become a routine and the time has come for change? The very word "treason" is cognate with "change".
Have you ever thought about the fact that even in a couple, in a family, everyone has a personal one - feelings, experiences, where the other person will not penetrate. Are you ready to forgive your loved one for his individual experiences?
How to forgive and is it worth forgiving?
Whether it is worth forgiving or not is a decision everyone makes for himself. It is important that the decision is not influenced by someone else's opinion and it is not made in the heat of the moment. It is always worth giving yourself time to cool down, to think it over.
Forgiveness is a great feeling. Those who have forgiven sincerely, from the heart, with love, know what a pleasant feeling of freedom their own generosity gives.
However, let us remember that forgiveness is possible only in the case of spiritual maturity. Only the magnanimous can do it. If you can't forgive another person, you should try to forgive yourself for your immaturity.
If one of the spouses cheated, this is a reason to think about why I did it? what am i missing? This is food for thought for the one who has changed.
In no case should you talk about cheating on your spouse. This is a wound for the spouse's self-esteem, this is a recognition that you have preferred the other person. Put yourself in the shoes of your spouse, take care of your feelings and nervous system a loved one.
Working with a psychologist is necessary, first of all, for the person who has changed, because the actions were taken by the changing side. Confessions are good in front of a specialist - a confessor, a psychologist, since there a person receives qualified help or advice. And to confess to a husband or wife, I think, is detrimental to further relations, regardless of whether they continue to live together or not. This is a good reason for constant reproaches, but do you need it?
If it was a sudden whim, do not blame yourself, just cancel it in your memory and continue living with your soul mate, building relationships carefully, thoughtfully, in a new way. Do not sit on your neck for impunity, and do not let anyone sit on your neck. Respect yourself, respect your spouse. Allow yourself and others to be who they are.
"How to create and maintain a family. Wise advice to husband and wife" Advice from saints, wise elders and experienced confessors will help you avoid many family troubles and create a strong and friendly family. Read "Relationship Secrets" "About family life" This is the cryptic word "love" Read "Love", Deepak Chopra ReadChapter 13
HOW TO KEEP A SPOUSED LIFE
IN CASE OF CHANGE?
I am very often asked: “How do you help people to keep their marriage when one of the spouses is unfaithful? What do you say to spouses when this happens in life? " My approach to dealing with adultery is based on two words: be gentle but firm. People caught in the web of adultery need loving care, especially a spouse who is being cheated on. At the same time, if you find yourself being cheated on, do not resort to tantrums or hand-breaking. If you want to save your marriage, you need to take action.
Step one. Do you want to save the marriage?
First, ask yourself if you sincerely want to weather the family storm. It is possible that your marital relationship has been under threat for a long time without you realizing it. One or both of you have unmet basic needs that create conditions for adultery. The cheated spouse is tempted to blame the other side for everything and (always premature and rather foolish) to simply demand a divorce. To those who come to me for consultation, I try to point out that the unfaithful spouse is not alone in everything. The betrayal begins with the fact that the account in the Bank of Love is slowly decreasing. Although quite frustrating, the victim of adultery is forced to ask, “How is it that my Love Bank account has fallen so much that there has been a betrayal? And what need did I fail to satisfy? "
Step two. Don't delay action
Secondly, do not postpone everything for the future if you find out about the betrayal. You may not have been able to meet certain needs of your spouse, but that doesn't mean you should fold your hands and accept:
"Well, it's good that he satisfies this need somewhere on the side." As I said in Chapter 1, marriage is an exceptional relationship in which two become one and must be one and remain, and three are already a crowd.
My consultation notes include amazingly a large number of cases where women simply put up with cheating on their husbands in order to stay married. Often people who have strong religious beliefs are telling me, “My church does not allow divorce. God wants us to remain married. And the Bible clearly teaches that it is a sin to get divorced. ”
I agree with all of these statements because they are consistent with my own beliefs. At the same time, as soon as adultery occurs, the marital relationship is undermined. What God has connected together, one of the spouses, man or woman, has already tore apart. If you want to connect again, you need to take certain actions. I urge my wife to take a particularly firm, independent position and speak out in favor of temporarily separating from her husband until they can resolve this matter together. Whatever the wife does, she must clearly show the cheating spouse that she is not going to put up with the betrayal.
Step three. Find a good marriage counselor
When I suggest this, I do not believe that I have developed the best new technique that will solve everything. Rather, I advise you to find a good family counselor for the same reason that a person needs a good surgeon when they have appendicitis. You probably won't be able to end the cheating yourself. And you won't be able to solve the problem in two or three weeks. When I begin to counsel a couple in such a situation, I caution that we have at least a year's program ahead of us. I need to see a person cheating on his spouse at least twice a week for a certain period.
I make my strict requirement that the cheating spouse never date the person with whom he is cheating. In explaining this, I compare a spouse to an alcoholic. An alcoholic can hope for a cure only when he completely stops consuming alcohol once and for all. In much the same way, the only hope for a person involved in an extramarital affair is to create as much distance as possible between him and his mistress or lover.
Over and over again, I find that people involved in adultery fail to completely and decisively break with their lovers. They try to meet again for a minute. But inevitably, everything ends with another act of treason. It seems that when they meet, some completely irresistible force binds them.
When it comes to cheating, I try to explain to the cheating spouse that when there is a love affair outside of marriage, the permanent influence of marriage still cannot be ignored. The cheating spouse will never stop feeling love for the other spouse, whose account in the Love Bank remains constant, since there are very few reasons to decrease it. And in order to reduce the account of the person with whom the spouse is cheating, this person must take some unpleasant or painful actions, but in most cases such negative actions are very difficult to create, and they do not happen arbitrarily.
Anatomy of adultery
To illustrate the powerful cravings for cheating, let's look at the anatomy of typical adultery with the examples of Alex, Helen, and Harriet.
Alex sighed as he walked over to the light switch and turned off the light. Then he kissed Helene on the cheek and said: “ Goodnight, expensive". Helene didn't answer. She was already asleep. This did not surprise him. He knew how annoyed she would be if he woke her up to make love. He lay down and covered his head with a blanket. For a long time, Alex stopped feeling guilty for refusing to sleep with him. He began to take it for granted, although at one time, even before there were children, Helen behaved very differently.
The next morning, Alex was in time for the 7:30 train and in the carriage met Harriet and Fred, with whom he worked at the same firm. Opening the morning paper, Alex remembered that he had nothing to do during lunch and asked if anyone would like to have lunch with him. Fred excused himself and said that he would need to get out of town, and Harriet, a tall, slender woman, diligent and diligent, replied: “Come on, I'll have lunch with you.” “I haven't seen her in a long time,” Alex thought. They went to college together, but then lost each other for several years. from mind, until they started working in the same company. Their friendship was revived a few months ago when they started working in the same department. And then they again began to work in different departments - Alex is on the fifth floor, she is on the seventh.
You know, "Alex told her over lunch." I'm glad Charlie left town today.
I’m glad too, ”she agreed, smiling.“ I have missed you since you started working two floors below. Perhaps we should have met earlier.
Yes, it was interesting to work on that topic. As they said goodbye, they agreed to meet again next week. Soon, lunch became a regular part of their daily routine. When Harriet gave Alex the computer programming book, he gave her a modest but cute bracelet a few weeks later. When he presented her the bracelet at dinner, her face lit up. Leaning over the table, she kissed him on the cheek.
Harriet, I’ll be honest with you, ”he said bluntly.“ I need you more and more, and this is more than friendship.
I have never shared my family problems with you.
You don't need to share them, ”she replied.
When I married her, I did not realize what I had decided on. I thought we had common interests and would spend a lot of time together, but it all faded after about a year. Now she does her own thing, and I do mine. She doesn't want me to talk to her about work and complains that I don't make much money. About half of the time after I get home in the evening is like in a madhouse.
Harriet listened with attentive silence. Then Alex went to her house to “talk”.
In the morning, when Alex woke up in Harriet's bed, he thought about how beautiful she looked. He kissed her shoulder and she smiled, opening her eyes. After that night, Alex and Harriet became literally obsessed with each other. Alex had never felt so enthusiastic about love in his life.
At first, Helen had only some weak assumptions, but soon, when he began to leave more often, her doubts turned into suspicion. At first, he began to linger in the city in the evenings, and then stopped visiting on weekends. In the end, one day she decided to check her suspicions and called Jack, with whom Alex said he planned to spend the evening. Jack tried to convince Helen that her husband hadn't come to see him yet, but that didn't convince Helen. When she called later, no one answered the phone.
Helen recalled that she had heard Alex speak very kindly on the phone with Harriet about a computer project. She also knew that Harriet lived nearby and decided that Alex was probably with her. One Saturday, when Alex was gone, Helen asked the neighbor's boy to look after the children and drove to Harriet's house. When she drove up to her house, she noticed Alex's car at the corner.
Helene stopped the car, found Harriet's apartment, and braced herself to ring the doorbell. Harriet, who was wearing a night robe, opened it to her. Helen also found Alex there. Running out of the apartment, in the car, Helen burst into tears. She came home automatically. The only possible option for her was a divorce.
When Alex returned, he noticed that Helen's car was parked with the engine running on the track. He turned off the ignition, put the key in his pocket and went home. He heard that the children were crying. Alex went upstairs, found Helen's room locked from the inside, and decided he needed to calm the kids down first. He is at hastily cooked them food and put them to bed. Then he knocked on Helene again. He was not answered.
Helen, please, ”he said softly. The lock on the door clicked, and he saw Helene sitting on the bed, eyes swollen with tears. He walked over to her.
I'm so ashamed dear.
Don't you dare call me dear, ”she hissed.
But Helen, I love you and the kids. You mean everything in my life. I don’t understand how I could offend you so.
Helen began to cry again, and Alex instinctively tried to calm her down.
Dont touch me! - She staggered back and pushed him away. - How could you do that? I do not want to see you!
Helen, please, this will never happen again. I'm just out of my mind, please give me one more chance.
You are a liar! You lied to me all these evenings that you supposedly spent with Jack! And don't lie anymore, you'll only make things worse!
You're right, I won't lie to you anymore. I can only promise that this will never happen again. You and the kids mean a lot to me. It's all over, Helen, honestly.
They talked like that until about three o'clock in the morning. Alex asked Helen for forgiveness and for her to understand him, and Helen felt anger and rage. In the end, exhausted and tired, she condescended to a temporary truce and allowed Alex to go to bed.
Over the next few days, Alex showed that he was guilty and tried to reassure Helen to some extent. By the end of the week, he had convinced her that it was just a temporary insanity that made him change with Harriet, and that it would never happen again.
Alex stopped dining with Harriet, but he called her at the first opportunity:
I need to see you, but I cannot do it now. I love you very much, but I don't know what to do.
Alex, I love you too, there can be no doubt about that, but I want you to save the marriage. I don't want to be the reason for the divorce.
Harriet, you are gold. Do not worry. Even if it ends in divorce, it won't be your fault.
Alex held out for two weeks, but then met with Harriet at lunch and said:
I can not stop thinking about you. I've never had anything like it in my life. And I know that this will never happen again.
Harriet could only take Alex's hand and sigh. The next week, they met at Jack's apartment, and their relationship continued with renewed vigor. They even seemed to have gained even more energy stored in the week of separation. Then they started meeting for lunch whenever possible. It was out of the question for Alex to stay overnight in the city, for Helene would have begun to suspect again, but one Saturday afternoon Alex managed to leave the house and visit Harriet. He did not assume that Helen saw him and followed him. The same scene of jealousy was repeated, and Helen was completely desperate. She kicked Alex out of the house and filed for divorce.
Alex considered moving in with Harriet, but decided not to. Instead, he rented a room and realized that he not only missed Helen and the children, but that he needed to think about many other things, because he was rejected by family and friends. He will need to pay a lot of money to lawyers, to pay alimony. He also thought about his work. The company where he worked was not fond of adultery and sought to keep families. He could have lost his job, or at least stopped being promoted.
One evening, about a week after he left home, Alex called Helen:
At first Helen did not know what to say. Maybe Alex is really right? Maybe she's also to blame for something? And Alex also wanted to seek help from a consultant.
Okay, she finally replied. Let's try.
Before the end of the week, Alex returned home. Before that, he managed to have a short talk with Harriet, tell her that he still loves her, but cannot agree to a divorce, at least not yet.
During the consultation, Alex tried to explain why he thought the marriage was wrong and why he didn't like Helen.
Alex, ”the consultant said,“ you need to be clear about what you think is wrong. Let's look at everything in detail.
Alex spoke about Helen's indifference to lovemaking, lack of interest in his career and unwillingness to relax with him. Then he talked about endless quarrels, about domestic problems, although he never forced Helen to start working.
As Ellen listened, she wondered if most of the problems were really her fault.
Then the consultant asked Alex to be completely sincere and asked if he still loved Harriet.
Yes, ”Alex replied with shame and defiance. Alex, however, did not say that they still meet with Harriet and dine with Jack. And the consultant did not ask about it.
In the months that followed, Alex managed to simultaneously attend consultations and meet with Harriet. He deceived Helen and the consultant, assuring them that he was completely faithful to his wife. He had learned to be more careful when meeting Harriet.
How long is the “love triangle”?
Alex, Helen, and Harriet seemed to be trapped in an eternal triangle, and it's not hard to see how it happened. When Alex and Helen got married, their account at the Love Bank was on the usual level, but when their expectations did not come true and their needs were met, Helen's account at Alex's Love Bank dropped significantly. After the first dinner, Harriet's account at Alex's Bank of Love grew significantly. Alex cheated on his wife and began to love two women instead of one. So he trapped himself. He couldn't do without any of them.
So where will Alex, Helen and Harriet come to in this situation? At the beginning of my practice, someone like Alex might have tricked me, but while helping couples like Alex and Helen, I soon found them to have a clear course of action. The cheating spouse could not give up his extramarital affairs. I have resorted to various tactics and approaches, but nothing worked. I made the lost spouses think for a while. I brought them together with pastors whenever possible for moral instruction. I worked on the premise that a new commitment would change the behavior of people like Alex. Experience has proven the opposite to me.
Eventually I began to resort to the practice of total abstinence used in the treatment of alcoholics. If Alex and Helen came to see me today, I would demand that Alex never see Harriet again. To make sure he keeps his promise, I would insist that Alex tell Helen where he will be. If Alex began to be indignant and shout that it was not fair, I would answer him:
I know this sounds childishly unfair, but you have a very serious problem. You say that you are not seeing Harriet again. If you are minding your own business, then you have no reason not to tell Helen about your plans. Make sure she can reach you at any time. Moreover, you should call her yourself from time to time to find out what she is doing.
Does this 24-hour reporting really work? I assure you that she works better than just having confidence in Alex. There is one serious disadvantage of this type. checking people like Alex. Helen's Love Bank account will grow slowly when she checks it all the time and when he needs to call her from time to time: in the beginning, such actions lead to a decrease in the Love Bank account, because they annoy Alex.
Obviously, we should not leave Alex alone with his feelings, but become more than mere interlocutors. Usually, the cheating spouse, faced with such circumstances, reacts to them with complete depression. He tries to save his marriage, but he feels completely depressed. Now, separated from Harriet, a man whom he thinks Alex loves very much and with whom he attains the fullness of life, he feels trapped.
Step four. Start meeting each other's needs
The fourth step in my program - maintaining a marital relationship - provides a way out of this trap. Both spouses should make a sincere effort to change their behavior for the better and meet the needs of the other. In the case of Alex and Helen, it was up to her. I understand that Alex was cheating on her, but Helen must agree with his needs and understand that they were not being met.
If all goes well, Helen will make herself more approachable for Alex in the sense of love and will start joining him when he wants to rest. The ideal scenario is that she reads books about computers and programming in order to better understand what he does for a living. In order to achieve complete perfection in this sense, he will provide him with home support and stop complaining that he does not earn much.
All this can take many weeks and months. Alex probably didn't show enough affection for Helen, which is why she rejected him in the sense of love. In addition, Alex will need to get some skills and learn how to talk to Helen. Rather than simply condemning Helene for her lack of interest in computers, he should better learn to talk to her about her interests and feelings. Helen sorely misses the communication that Alex had with Harriet.
Obviously, Helen's basic female need for sincerity and openness in this case needs serious attention. Alex will have to work hard to regain confidence in himself, and he can do it.
Step five. Realize that it won't be easy
If I were a consultant to Alex and Helen, I would draw particular attention to Helen's fact that she started a long and difficult journey. She may initially expect small changes for the better as a result of her efforts, but she should not expect all of her changes in behavior to suddenly result in Alex becoming more loving, caring, and loyal. In fact, as I said, Alex will initially respond with depression. If he had been sincere in describing his thoughts, he would have told Helene that he spends a lot of time thinking about Harriet. Ellen might even expect Alex to lie to her for a while. She will have to put the control program into action, or change will never happen. If she refuses to control him, Alex may soon feel tempted to try and meet Harriet again.
Helen must absolutely fully understand and acknowledge that no matter how she begins to meet Alex's needs, he will always love Harriet to some degree. Alex and Helen can resume their marital relationship. Once they begin to meet each other's five basic needs, they can rekindle the flame of their dying love, but all their efforts will not eliminate the love between Alex and Harriet. It will smolder weakly, but it will never go out. Just as an alcoholic remains attached to alcohol for the rest of his life and yet never dares to taste it again, so Alex will love Harriet for the rest of his life, although he will never dare to see her again.
When I tell my wife that her cheating husband will always love his mistress, the typical reaction in this case is not joy and relief.
And why should I live with him? - they usually answer me.
Because you love him and want to save your marriage by surviving the harsh days, I answer. I've seen it all many times. You must understand the fact that your husband will always love this other woman, but this does not mean that you and him cannot have a stronger love between you. My point is that maintaining a marital relationship is a difficult task. This is an incredibly complex problem, and there are no easy solutions.
Usually the breakup of a man with his mistress is more difficult than the breakup of a woman with a lover. I don't know why this is happening. Perhaps women feel more uncomfortable when they are in love with two men, while men are better at accommodating these ambivalent relationships. Throughout history, in a typical polygamy system, men have supported women, but most societies did not allow women to do the same. Usually sociologists recognize that this discrimination has economic justification (men can support women, but women usually cannot). But the reason may also be emotional: men like having multiple wives, while women don't like having multiple husbands.
When a man regains a wife after adultery, having learned how to meet her needs, he has little to worry about. My experience as a counselor has shown that when a cheating wife returns to her husband and sees that her needs are being met, her former lover no longer tempts her.
However, in the case of cheating husbands, we face more serious problems. I've seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives, but then return to their mistresses 5 years after what seemed like the height of married life. When I ask them: “Why?” - they inevitably tell me that they are terribly missing this woman. At the same time, they insist that they love their wife and do not want to leave her.
I believe that such a man is telling the truth. He is in a hopeless trap and needs all kinds of help to keep him away from his mistress and remain faithful to his wife. I often recommend as the best approach that any man who has cheated on his wife at least once comes to my consultation every 3 months to just talk about how things are going and tell how much he manages to be away from his mistress. He must condemn himself to spend the rest of his life without her, fully aware that he will miss her all his life. His desire will never disappear, and therefore he should never see his mistress. He definitely shouldn't work with her, they should probably live in different cities or states. And even with these restrictions, his desire to meet her persists.
Step six. Your marriage can be stronger than ever.
In closing, I say to those who wish to maintain their marital relationship after cheating, that when they are in complete control of themselves, their love and marriage can be stronger than ever. My most a big problem- to convince people that such a state is worth any effort. A person who discovers that a spouse or spouse is cheating suffers one of the most severe blows to self-esteem that he can take. A constant struggle ensues, which makes both spouses emotional rivals. But once they have weathered the worst, they discover that they love each other more than ever. Many couples tell me that they have created better love relationships than they would have had if cheating on one of them hadn't forced them to make these constructive changes. They feel that cheating ultimately did not destroy their relationship, but, on the contrary, improved it. Of course, cheating is a reinforcing trauma that ultimately forces spouses to work towards meeting each other's basic needs. Once you start meeting these needs, your marriage becomes exactly what it should be.
In virtually every case that I have consulted, when a couple faithfully follows the program I have proposed, they develop better relationships than ever before. People tell me that they can never love or trust their spouse again after being cheated on. And I know that this is not true. It is a long and difficult process of rebuilding a relationship, but it is possible.
12.06.2014 30.07.2015 by Mnogoto4ka
How to save a family after a husband's betrayal - what are men looking for in his mistresses and how to prevent repeated betrayal?
The first desire of any woman, when she finds out about the betrayal of her own spouse, is to find a lovemaker and pull out all her hair. But in fact, in fact, it is not at all about the mistress - in 99% of cases, the wives themselves push their husbands into their arms. Therefore, you need to think about what to do after the betrayal and how to keep the family on the basis of what the man was deprived of and what he was looking for on the side. Think only sex? Unfortunately, not only sex.
What does a mistress do that a wife is not capable of?
Yes, mistresses have their own combat arsenal. And they really are to some extent the exact opposite of many wives, which is their advantage.
1. Unobtrusive
The mistress simply does not have time to get bored - this is a fact. Coming to her is akin to a holiday, because a man in one sitting receives a delicious dinner, and hot sex, and affection, and attention. Such women will always listen to their beloved with attention, and where necessary they will be silent. And they certainly won't tell how the day went at Aunt Masha's from the second entrance.
And lovers will never go out to a man in an old dressing gown or without makeup. On the contrary, they will play, change their image, get involved in shopping, visit spa salons - and always delight their beloved man with a fresh look and fit.
2. Knows how to be surprised
Giving a gift to your wife is actually a whole adventure. It is clear that in the choice of accessories or interior details a man is not an ace, and his gift may well turn out to be tasteless. But it is much more dangerous when a spouse spends all his bonus on the purchase of household appliances for his beloved wife's birthday - here a whole storm can already break out: the wrong model, the wrong color, all my life I dreamed of a three-compartment dry-freezer refrigerator - and here a two-compartment refrigerator with banal snow ...
But the mistress, on the contrary, will give a passionate night even for those perfumes that she clearly did not like. She just exchanges them later in a store or with a friend for others, and the man will not even notice the difference in the aroma.
3. Shows passion
Men like to joke that it is impossible to be a hero-lover with their own wife. Of course, if before sex there were 33 caustic remarks or two weeks of silence because of offenses - what kind of passion is there?
Secondly, many wives tend to shirk their marital duties - mostly because of fatigue. But lovers, due to infrequent sexual contacts, are just happy to be ready "always and everywhere", which cannot but get a stronger sex. Plus its own spice of novelty, acuity, adrenaline in the blood also disperses the blood.
That is why, if your married life is not a joy and New Year happens more often than it, it's time to move on to quality. Sexual relationships also need variety - these can be interesting role-playing games, toys from a sex shop (they are quite easy to order via the Internet), beautiful French lingerie, an unusual setting or Thai erotic massage.
4. Not petty
A lover will never allow herself to yell at her beloved for footprints in the corridor or a cigarette butt on the floor. Sawing and gnawing is more about wives, unfortunately. And this is exactly what the stronger sex does not like. How is it in the famous parables of Solomon? Better a crust of bread in the attic than a toasted bull in big house but with a grumpy wife.
But all of the above does not mean that a mistress turned out to be better for a man than a wife. No, she turned out to be wiser.
Do you know why the mistress behaves advantageously? Because she understands well that a man is not her property. What the wife does not understand, and after all, both she and the homeless woman are on almost equal terms: a husband is not a thing. He is a free man, and he perceives the bonds of marriage more as responsibility and reliability, but in no way does he agree that they become his chain around his neck.
The mistress is trying with all her might to keep her man, while the wife believes that "the husband will not go anywhere." That's the whole difference between them.
And therefore the answer to the question of how to keep the family after the betrayal is to determine what the mistress gave and what was not in the home environment? And urgently work on their own mistakes.
How to save a family after a husband's betrayal?
And as soon as the mistakes are corrected - forgive. The biggest stupidity is after the husband's campaign to the left to try to keep him "on a short leash", constantly reminding him what a scoundrel he is and how silky he should be now. Often this is what spouses are afraid of when they already take up their suitcases. No, forgiven - so now let go. And take it easy.
After all, it is no accident that at all times society turned a blind eye to the adventures of husbands, while betrayal of wives was severely punished. Such is nature, and, in general, nothing terrible happened. Much worse is spiritual betrayal, when a man really loves his mistress, but he hates his wife and does not hide it. This should not be allowed - you need to fight for your love: not with tears and hysterics, but by changing yourself. As the wise say:
Egoists always want to change someone else, but those who truly love change themselves first of all - for the sake of another person.
Everything is in the hands of a woman. It has always been so at all times. Because we are strong, enduring and know how to love so much that we are capable of amazing deeds. All the more so for a generous forgiveness.
Cheating is a serious test for a family. And if she passes it - it reigns true love, which in the future will not be afraid of anything!
1. Never admit to your woman that you are cheating. Even if she says that you should be frank, that she will understand you, that everything will be fine, that you will go through it together, that you must speak the truth, that she has evidence that she does not want to put on the table for now. This is a kind of interrogation. Interrogation of minors.
2. Don't tell anyone, not even best friends that he did not copulate with his wife. Friends are such talkers that they will definitely tell about it "Kind" wives. And "kind" wives are so "kind" that they want to help you solve family problems in sex and tell your wife about it.
3. Any of your words about your physical intercourse on the side will be passed on to third parties who will boomerang back to the faithful. For the earth is round and everything secret becomes apparent. Having sinned, be silent. Forgive your sin with silence, my son. Relationships are destroyed only by talking about cheating, not physical copulation.
4. Never copulate at work, for this can not only undermine a career, but also make you addicted and ringed without a ring. You can be blown up at any moment by pulling on this ring. Do not become addicted because of the "work hole". There are many holes, but one job.
5. Do not communicate closely with your wife's friends, keep your distance. If your wife and her friends are sitting in the kitchen, you should be in the room; if they follow you into the room, run to the kitchen. Take care of your nerves and family. Any compliment, incorrectly thrown word will be interpreted by both the wife and her friends with the help of herd female logic, as treason to the Motherland.
6. When dying, tell your wife that you have never cheated on her. After all, you are dying anyway, so please her and preserve the reputation of a real Man, who, even before his death, will not betray the main male secret of husbands-E * ashes.
7. Do not go with your mistresses in the absence of your wife to the home of friends, where there are small children. Everyone loves blackmail, especially little snotty kids. You can fly into a tidy sum with robots, cars and dolls.
8. For this very object, choose "unusable" in advance. Well, there, for the object to be dumb or dumb, but, of course, with a quality ass and tits, which does not determine its suitability, which we are talking about. This is necessary so that the object cannot independently, due to its insignificant mental abilities leak information or just start blackmailing you like little snotty kids. And then so you can fly into a tidy sum with little lips, mazyukalkas, tsatski and chinchillas-scary.
9. Do not give any information about yourself to the object. Or give false information. Hide phones and documents. Be confident in yourself. And remember, you are Joe. Just Joe. You are a different person. Once you believe yourself that you are Joe, you must understand that you are not cheating on your wife, it's just Joe copulating with a cool ass and tits.
10. All women should be called by the second name of the wife: "My Fish". Work it out for years. Do not call your wife by name, like everyone else. Everyone is pleased, you are happy, and you never confess in a dream, even at gunpoint. And everyone will be unaware that you don’t even remember your wife’s name, and you don’t know the rest.
11. Always carry brushes for cleaning clothes, shoes, cars, teeth. Leave no trace. Nowhere. Even at home. That it was impossible to take samples for examination. Watch "Gattaca"... I think this film will teach you a lot in your difficult business.
If all these rules are difficult and complex for you, then you are not a Man. A real Man has these rules in the program from birth and from Mary on the preservation of the family, reputation and secrets of betrayal, he does not need. He already knows all this, but does not tell anyone about it.
For a real man never cheats on his wife, it's just Joe copulating with a quality ass and tits.
Family relationships have a number of difficulties, faced with which many couples break up. One of these difficulties is treason. After the betrayal, the couple has a choice - to forgive and move on, or to break off the relationship.
There is no single formula that is suitable for all married couples, each situation is individual and requires an individual decision, which will help to make a balanced approach. First, when deciding the fate of a marriage, it is necessary to cast aside emotions. This is the most difficult task, as emotions prevail at such times. However, a decision made under the influence of anger, disappointment, resentment, resentment is often wrong. Secondly, it is necessary to take into account not only the fact of treason, but also the circumstances that led to it. As a rule, strong alliances, in which couples feel mutual comfort and understanding, rarely cheat on each other, and vice versa, the worse the relationship between spouses, the higher the likelihood of betrayal.
Family relations after a spouse's betrayal:
There are a number of arguments that support the preservation of the family union. These arguments should be considered when deciding:
- The betrayal was preceded by a crisis in the relationship.
- Cheating was an isolated case, the relationship outside of marriage was not serious.
- The traitor himself confessed to a complete mistake, so to speak, he repented.
- You are connected by a long marriage, the presence of common children, a common business, joint property. Sometimes breaking up a relationship is more difficult than trying to keep it. Divorce is a difficult and painful process, which involves the division of everything that has been acquired over the years of the marriage.
- Despite the accumulated resentment and pain, you still love the person who cheated on you.
If a decision is made in favor of preserving the marriage, a difficult and lengthy work lies ahead, which will contribute not only to reconciliation, but to correct the joint mistakes that led to treason. But as a reward for this work, you will receive a whole family, save your nerves and keep your loved one close.
In some cases, you should think about divorce after infidelity more thoroughly:
- Cheating is systemic.
- The second half has got a constant passion, their relationship is long-lasting and has a serious character.
- The traitor lied to you for a long time, misled you.
- There is little that connects you, you have moved away from each other, you no longer have common goals, interests, desires.
- You no longer feel love for your other half.
- You are not ready to forgive, you realize that the fact of treason will always dominate your relationship, even if the traitor will no longer repeat his mistake. You understand that you cannot restore trust.
If you feel that you can count one or more of the above arguments, you should seriously consider whether this marriage needs to be saved. You are unhappy, and the betrayal of your other half is just the result of a lack of happiness in your marriage.
You should not try to keep the family, guided only by the fear of loneliness or worries about what your friends or relatives will say about the divorce. The choice to live together or not should be yours and only yours, but it is worth accepting it, realizing that you are ready to make an effort and forgive your loved one the pain he caused by his act. If you are not ready to forgive the betrayal, then sooner or later your relationship will fail, because without forgiveness you will never learn to trust your other half again, and trust is the basis, the foundation of a strong family union.
If you decide that you are ready to move on and continue living with the cheater, you need to start this journey with a frank conversation. If you find it difficult to start such a conversation, you can try to put your thoughts and feelings in writing. Write a letter in which you present all of your arguments for your marriage to be preserved. Ask questions, primarily those that will help you understand if your other half is ready to correct their mistakes and start from scratch.
At this stage, you may need the help of a family psychologist. He will coordinate your communication, help you correctly formulate your own feelings. But it is necessary to visit a consultant together. If you or your other half are not ready to talk in the presence of a stranger, you should not insist. Moreover, there is no need to involve relatives or friends in such conversations. You must go through this crisis on your own, without pressure and the participation of third parties.
It is strictly forbidden to include children, even adults, in such conversations. The topic of divorce between parents is painful for people of any age, and for kids it is completely traumatic. It is advisable to protect children from this process as much as possible. Also, you can not use the issue of children as the only argument for the preservation of marriage. The basis for a family is a healthy relationship between partners, not having minor children. Of course, your priority is the upbringing of the future generation in a complete family, but for its own development it is better if this family is first of all happy.
If you have come to a consensus and both are ready to move on, you should outline taboo topics that should no longer come up, for example, the topic of cheating. It is impossible to mention the consequences of the situation that has arisen, to ever use arguments like: “I forgave you then,” “You cheated, and that means you can betray me again,” etc.