What kind of relationship should be between ex-spouses. What are the relationships in the family? Relationship between husband and wife
Relationships between spouses in an established family
At a time when the family is just beginning to take shape (meaning the beginning of the process of psychological adaptation of family members to the conditions of their living together and to each other), in the psychology and behavior of the members of the young family, there are noticeable and inevitable changes in this case. They occur, as a rule, rather slowly and with certain difficulties, since each of the family members by the time he decides to marry is already a formed, stable personality, with his own, more or less stable, character traits, habits and glances.
The psychology of all people, without exception, differs in something significant, and these differences inevitably begin to manifest themselves in the intra-family relationships of people, especially in the first months and years of the family's existence. Due to such differences between family members, contradictions, disputes and even conflicts arise that spouses have to resolve. This usually takes quite a lot of effort and time, and not always all questions and problems can be resolved immediately. This usually brings members of a relatively young, newly formed family into psychological counseling.
Typical problems for which members of a young, emerging family may seek psychological counseling are:
Lack of proper understanding between spouses.
Psychological incompatibility of characters.
Incompatibility of habits, actions and actions of the spouses.
Significant differences in the views of the spouses on issues that require a certain unity of opinion in the family.
Each of these problems has its own private, individually unique variants for each family, as well as its own specific causes. In this case, it is necessary to start practical psychological counseling by checking the correctness of the assumption about these causes (after identifying the problem itself).
Consider the most common in the practice of family counseling, typical variants of problems, and then - the possible causes of their occurrence.
Lack of understanding between family members can be expressed in the following:
In the inability of one or both spouses to understand each other, to accept someone else's point of view;
In the inability of one or both family members to prove to the other that they are right on any important issue within family life;
Difficulties in reaching agreement between spouses on any one or many issues of family life;
In the absence of the desire of one or both spouses to meet each other halfway when discussing and making a decision on any important issue.
Possible reasons for the lack of understanding can be the following:
Too big a difference in the level of education, intellectual development, life experience, upbringing of both spouses;
Non-possession of one or both spouses with the logic of proving their case and the inability of one of the spouses to convince the other spouse of something;
The inability of the spouses to listen carefully and understand each other;
Inability to switch attention during a conversation from one's own thoughts to what the partner is talking about;
The exclusive desire of one of the spouses to prove their case to the other spouse at all costs and to take precedence over him;
Excessive confidence of one or both spouses in the unconditional correctness, infallibility of their own point of view;
The inability of one or both spouses to compromise, flexibly, depending on the situation, change the strategy and tactics of communication with each other, taking into account the prevailing conditions;
The prejudiced attitude of one of the spouses to the other. All of these reasons can act both together and separately. The incompatibility of the characters of the spouses in practice inside family relations can, in turn, be expressed as:
One of the spouses or both spouses are not able to calmly talk to each other, often get irritated without sufficient reason, lose their temper;
Actions on the part of one of the spouses cause opposition, negative emotional reactions from the other spouse;
One or both spouses have such character traits that are unacceptable in dealing with people, for example, a demonstrative disrespect for a partner, an insult to his human dignity.
The incompatibility of habits, actions and actions in intra-family life most often manifests itself in the fact that:
The habits of one of the spouses are unacceptable to the other spouse, irritate him, give him a lot of trouble;
One or both spouses in various life situations, often arising in family communication, behave in such a way that their behavior does not suit each other;
Actions taken by one of the spouses voluntarily or unwittingly create problems for the other spouse, prevent him from achieving his own goals;
One or both spouses simultaneously have some bad habits that are psychologically unacceptable for most people around them, including drunkenness, untidiness, etc.;
The lifestyle to which one of the spouses is accustomed does not quite suit the other spouse and creates problems for him.
In turn, differences in the views of spouses on issues requiring unity of opinion in the family can most often manifest themselves in the following:
In matters of the distribution of roles in the family, for example, in the question of who should be the leader, head of the family;
In matters of distribution of responsibilities in the family, for example, who and for what should be responsible;
In matters of distribution of the intra-family budget, for example, in what should the available funds be spent on;
In matters of apartment equipment;
In matters of the regime of intra-family life;
In matters of nutrition;
In matters of education and upbringing of children;
In matters of organizing family holidays;
In matters of relationships with relatives.
As you can see, there are quite a lot of issues on which differences of opinion may arise between spouses, and it is not possible to agree on positions on all these issues, having achieved full mutual understanding.
How should all these issues be resolved in the practice of family life?
First of all, it is necessary to make an accurate diagnosis, i.e. to find out which of the problems and questions listed above are relevant for spouses who have applied for psychological counseling. The fact is that in almost every family there are many problems and questions, and some of them, as a rule, are closely related to others.
A typical situation that forces spouses to turn to a consultant psychologist is such that not one, but many problems arise in the family, connected in a single knot, and the spouses themselves fail to unravel this knot. When they turn to a counseling psychologist, they hope for his help, but usually they name only some of these problems, one or two that, in their opinion, are the most important. The rest, as a rule, they are silent or do not know for the following possible reasons:
Lack of awareness of the essence of these problems;
Underestimation of the degree of significance of problems;
Lack of confidence in the possibility of their solution;
Understanding that not all problems can be solved at once. From this usually follows the natural desire of the spouses to first focus their attention on any one problem, and then try to solve the rest.
However, a psychologist-consultant should be well aware that without an accurate diagnosis and identification of the entire complex of interconnected intra-family problems, none of them can be successfully and completely solved.
It is also important to sort the identified problems in a certain way according to their significance and urgency, to determine the main and secondary ones. The main ones are those problems that need to be solved in the first place and the solution of which entails the solution of other problems.
In the event that it is firmly established that the main problem of the spouses in their family life is the lack of mutual understanding between them, the psychologist-consultant is recommended to act in stages. First of all, it is necessary to teach the spouses to listen carefully to each other (to listen means to understand, but not necessarily to agree completely and in everything).
Listening means:
Focusing on what the other person is saying and experiencing;
Distraction for the time of listening to attention from one's own thoughts and experiences;
Active reflection on what the partner is saying, with a certain internal attitude towards his deep understanding and without trying to evaluate what he heard in terms of “good” or “bad”;
Memorization of thoughts, facts reported by the speaking person, and the logic of his reasoning;
Understanding why talking man considers himself right.
A client who has applied for help to a family psychological consultation should be explained that none of the problems of intra-family relations can be solved without learning to listen attentively and kindly to other family members.
This can practically be done as follows: ask the client to recall the content of his last conversation with his spouse (this should be such a conversation in which the misunderstanding of the spouses was clearly manifested) and in this regard answer the following questions:
What was this conversation about, what is its content?
What did you try to explain and prove to you, what did your spouse try to convince you of in this conversation?
How did he do it?
What did he talk about at the beginning and at the end of the conversation?
What arguments did he use to prove his case?
How did your spouse feel while talking to you?
Why did he consider himself right in this conversation and disagree with you?
If the client finds it difficult to answer at least one of these questions, then this means that he is not good at listening to his spouse, and the more such questions cause him difficulty, the worse his ability to listen to other people is developed.
At the end of the conversation, the client should be asked to carefully control himself, the process of his hearing, focusing on the questions formulated above, during conversations with his wife (husband) for one to two weeks.
Once the client learns to quickly, easily and accurately answer the above questions, this will mean that his listening skills have already been formed, and then it will be possible to proceed to the next stage. psychological counseling on this topic. This stage consists in the diagnosis and subsequent development of the spouses' ability to prove their case in disputes with each other in the family.
The first recommendation that a counseling psychologist can give to a client is this: never start a conversation with your spouse with direct evidence his rightness, with the imposition of his point of view on him. First you need to listen to the other person and try to understand him.
The reasonableness of such behavior is obvious: the other person will never listen to you and show a desire to understand you, especially to accept your point of view, until you yourself show such aspirations in relation to him.
If the interlocutor does not agree with you, this means that, starting from the moment when he clearly demonstrates his disagreement with you, he will think more about his own than about what you are saying to him at that time. He will be more concerned with finding convincing counterarguments than with the correctness of your statements.
If the interlocutor misunderstands something at the beginning, then there is a very high probability that he will not understand what will be discussed further:
because the thoughts of people always follow logically and consistently from each other.
In addition, misunderstandings give rise to usually unpleasant experiences, which are exacerbated as the misunderstanding increases, and the interlocutor ignores this fact.
A symptom of rejection or misunderstanding of one person by another person may be the absence of positive or negative, verbal or non-verbal reactions on his part to the statements of the interlocutor. Noticing this, you must immediately stop the conversation and try to find out the reasons.
The third practical recommendation may be the following: never try to continue to prove anything or convince the interlocutor of anything after he has realized and accepted the main thing from what you told him, i.e. after the interlocutor has already begun to understand your point of view.
It is also important to give the interlocutor the opportunity to reflect and make an independent decision. It is especially undesirable immediately after a successful attempt at persuasion to insist that the spouse confirms full agreement with you in words or concrete deeds. Any person needs some time to change his point of view, and this almost never happens instantly.
Therefore, the most correct and reasonable in this case would be the following behavior of the spouse: listen to the opposite side (spouse), then state their own point of view, but not insist on its immediate acceptance by the other side. We must be patient and wait. Time will pass and everything will fall into place.
It is necessary to convince a spouse by referring to the facts that he admits, and to the same logic of proof that is convincing for him, even if it seems to the person who convinces that there are more solid facts and more convincing logic of proof than that which is available and understandable. his interlocutor.
It is possible to overcome the difficulties of the spouses coming to an agreement on the issues under discussion in the following way.
First of all, starting a conversation with a spouse on any controversial issue, you must:
- be set to seek a compromise, to make mutual concessions;
- choose for discussion such issues on which it is relatively easy to reach an agreement;
– from the outset be set on the fact that, if on other issues it is not possible to achieve mutual understanding, then be content with the fact that agreement has already been reached on at least some issues.
In addition, if it is nevertheless necessary to achieve mutual understanding on all issues, then they will first need to be distributed according to the degree of difficulty and then the discussion will begin sequentially with the easiest questions, ending with the most difficult questions.
It should also be remembered that a friendly tone, respectful and attentive attitude towards the interlocutor contribute to the establishment of agreement, and a disrespectful tone and an unfriendly attitude prevent this.
In human relationships (and the discussion of controversial issues is a kind of such relationships), the principle of "good for good" operates. It follows from it that if someone wants to get concessions from another person, he himself should make concessions. If someone expects a respectful attitude towards his opinion, then he himself must respect the opinions of other people. The measure of our own willingness to compromise determines, in most cases of life, the degree of willingness to compromise of the other person with whom we communicate.
There is one more important observation regarding the situation in which a compromise solution is sought: it turns out that if people are arguing in an environment that gives them pleasure and gives them a feeling of comfort, then they usually show a greater willingness to compromise than when environment is not comfortable enough for them.
How to arouse the desire of the spouse to meet halfway in resolving any controversial issue?
The most important and indispensable condition for reaching a compromise in this case is the demonstration by one spouse to the other of their own desire to meet him halfway.
Sometimes this is not enough. Then it is necessary to connect other incentives to the search for a compromise. For example, you need to show the other spouse that by yielding to you, he ultimately wins himself no less, but even more than he loses. But such an argument will work only when you can convincingly prove to him that he will really benefit from giving in to you. By the way, it is not at all necessary for you to do this yourself during a conversation with your spouse. Someone else can do this for you even before you start your personal conversation with each other (meaning a conversation between the spouses themselves).
Sometimes, in order to achieve this goal of finding compromise or concessions, it can be helpful to simply be patient and wait, postponing the beginning of the conversation until your spouse is in a good mood and is in the mood to listen carefully to you.
Even better, if you wait until he feels personally obligated to do something nice for you in return for your kind attitude towards him. The most favorable time to start a positive conversation can be
the moment when you did something nice for your spouse and he is determined to do the same for you.
If the reason for the lack of mutual understanding between you and your spouse is the difference in the levels of intellectual development, then there is only one way to overcome this obstacle: to communicate at an accessible and understandable level for each other. You should speak with your spouse in the language that is familiar to him, and give up fruitless attempts to change the level of intellectual development of your spouse.
As the practice of family relations shows, the difference in the levels of intellectual development between spouses is not such a serious reason for the emergence of insurmountable differences between them. Much more dangerous are the serious differences in their views on life, cultural and moral values, the difference in education.
In the event of family conflicts due to the incompatibility of the characters of the spouses, the consultant-psychologist may recommend that the client do the following: it is necessary to determine exactly in which character traits he, as a spouse, does not agree with his wife. A preliminary general conclusion about this can be drawn on the basis of what the spouses themselves say about this.
Further, the hypothesis formulated according to their answers can be clarified by special psychological testing of clients. Such testing involves the individual assessment of each of the spouses of those personality traits for which they may be psychologically incompatible with each other.
It is also desirable to conduct joint testing of spouses. It involves the use of so-called group tests, in which each spouse gives answers to the same questions, and the responses are then compared for both spouses.
Offering the client specific practical advice concerning the psychological compatibility of the characters of the spouses, it is necessary to keep in mind the following:
1. The characters of people are formed, stabilizing, already in childhood, therefore it is not possible to radically change them in adults. From a psychological point of view, it is more reasonable for spouses in a family to adapt to the characteristics of each other's characters than to try to change them.
2. Almost every trait of a person's character has both positive and negative sides, so its complete destruction usually does not bring only benefit to a person and the people around him.
In this regard, it is important to understand the positive and negative character traits of the partner, but not to take on the task complete overhaul character of the spouse. If you undertake to correct the character of another person, then you must be psychologically ready to accept the negative that will inevitably appear as a result of this in family relationships.
3. It must also be clearly understood that human character traits do not exist independently of each other and represent a complex, interconnected system of traits. This means that by changing one trait of a person's character, we inevitably have an impact on other traits of character.
Therefore, it is necessary to be aware of what consequences for the character of a person as a whole will have a change in one or more of his traits. If these consequences are serious enough and mostly negative, then it is better not to take on the correction of the character of another person at all.
4. A change in character traits psychologically always means a change in a person's personality, and it inevitably leads to a change in his behavior.
This can give rise to many unexpected problems, it will require adaptation not only of the person himself, but also of other people around him to a changed personality and new behavior.
Will this not lead to an unexpected result - an even greater deterioration in the relationship of the spouses? This question must also be answered in advance.
The psychologist-consultant must put all the questions formulated above at the beginning of the psychological consultation with the client, in order to then, together with him, try to find answers to them that would suit the client.
If, after discussing these issues, the client still does not give up his idea to change the character of his spouse, then he should be advised to act in a certain sequence.
Firstly, it is necessary to make it clear to the spouse that he really has such character traits that do not suit the other spouse and that he is going to change him.
Secondly, it is necessary to ensure that this spouse has own wish get rid of some - negative - and acquire others - positive - character traits.
Thirdly, it is necessary to promise and practically help the spouse in his efforts to change his character. It will help him a lot if the spouse (wife) tries not to notice, not to react to the involuntary manifestations by the spouse of those negative character traits that he himself would like to get rid of. It will be necessary to carefully observe the actions of the spouse, notice and actively support in his behavior the desire to get rid of negative character traits and help him form new, positive character traits.
The incompatibility of habits, actions and actions is a simpler problem than the problem of incompatibility of people's characters. However, its practical solution requires considerable effort, since human behavior is most closely related to its character.
If it is possible to somehow change the character of a person, then, as a rule, his behavior as a whole also changes, including habits, actions and deeds. But failure to change a person's character does not mean the impossibility of changing his behavior.
First of all, a person himself must see himself as if from the outside and realize that he really has bad habits. Then the same person must be offered a fairly effective way to get rid of his bad habits. It is advisable to set the client up for a long and painstaking work on himself, since the forms of behavior, even those that have become familiar to him, quickly change.
When spouses disagree, one should, firstly, find out what exactly they have differences of opinion. The fact is that, under the influence of negative experiences with each other and the emotions associated with it, spouses sometimes exaggerate the extent and severity of their differences of opinion. A calm, objective analysis of reality, as a rule, reduces the significance of the existing problem and calms them down.
Secondly, it is necessary to understand why the corresponding discrepancies have arisen. To do this, each of the spouses should have the opportunity in a favorable environment to state, explain their point of view to the other spouse and, in turn, carefully listen to his opinion.
Thirdly, work must be carried out to bring the positions of both spouses closer together.
In this case, the arbitrator between the spouses can be a consultant psychologist or someone close to the spouses, for example, the person whose opinion for the spouses is quite authoritative, and who is personally interested in bringing their positions closer together, in improving their relationship.
Finally, fourthly, in order to prevent repeated conflicts in the family, it is necessary to offer both spouses to resolve them jointly, guided by the following rules, which significantly reduce the degree of divergence of opinions and prevent the occurrence of conflicts:
Rule 1 Listen to the interlocutor to the end, without interrupting or criticizing him.
Rule 2 When expressing your point of view, do not oppose it to the point of view of your spouse. Recognize his right to have his own position on any issue of intra-family life, not necessarily fully coinciding with the position of the other spouse.
Rule 3 Tune in to find a compromise on any issue, and first of all look for something in common that is in the positions of both spouses. Try to bring their points of view closer on various issues, and if this fails, then postpone the conversation on controversial issues for the future.
Rule 4 Independently not take any action without first agreeing them with the other spouse, without informing him of this.
Rule 5 Exclude from your statements and actions everything that irritates the interlocutor, can be perceived and interpreted in a wrong way.
Mankind has recently stepped into the third millennium. But in all its history and stages of development, no topic has been discussed as often as the relationship between a man and a woman. Love was praised in poems and songs, it inspired people to create masterpieces and bold deeds. But it has always been the cause of suffering and sadness. Relations between spouses is a topic that will never lose its relevance and will be discussed forever. We will also touch this eternity, and at the same time we will try to figure out how to make the union of two people harmonious and correct.
Psychology of relations between husband and wife
As the practice of most psychologists shows, despite the individuality of each couple, problems relating to the relationship of spouses to each other are repeated from generation to generation. It all starts with the fact that each spouse is an independent and mature person with their own views on life, traditions of their families and habits. Smooth and perfect union of two different people cannot be a priori. However, the psychology of relations between spouses also implies working on mistakes, finding compromises, respect and trust in each other, which is often forgotten by most couples due to selfishness and inexperience. As a result, problems arise that psychologists call typical for most young families:
- lack of understanding;
- incompatibility of characters, habits and actions;
- Differences on those issues that require a common opinion.
The personal relationships of spouses often cross the border of confidentiality, and there is little good in this fact either. The main mistake most couples make is allowing their parents, other relatives and acquaintances to interfere in their lives. No one is able to solve the problems of spouses except themselves. Except, perhaps, the family psychologist. However, experts also note that those couples who come to consultations with certain problems usually either do not realize the essence of these problems, or underestimate their significance and do not believe that they can be solved. However, if you look at it, then even in such an individual and unique unit of society as a single family, you can develop harmony and avoid disintegration.
What should be the personal relationship between spouses?
In any relationship there must be an ideal. A kind of norm or set of rules by which most disagreements can be avoided. However, this ideal has nothing to do with the expectations that spouses draw in their heads. Another major mistake of any couple is a misunderstanding that the partner is not at all what it seems in the mind. So, here are some valuable tips that may help you avoid conflict or even divorce:
The relationship between husband and wife can be different. But each of the spouses must remember the truths that will always remain unchanged and help save the marriage. They are support, respect, ability to listen and willingness to help in difficult times. If at least half of modern couples forget about their own benefit and selfishness, then the number of divorces will noticeably decrease.
Every couple wants the relationship in marriage to maintain harmony and well-being for as long as possible. Understanding is important - building a happy and strong family is the daily work of both partners. The harmonious union of a man and a woman is built on mutual respect, understanding, as well as the ability to find a compromise in acute situations.
The psychology of family relations deals with the study of acute issues, misunderstandings and disagreements between spouses. As well as finding ways to resolve conflicts and build mutual understanding in a married couple. Knowledge and understanding of situations in which the emergence of a conflict is possible will help to avoid sharp corners, annoying mistakes and maintain peace in the family. Therefore, family psychology must be taken seriously. It is useful for every couple to know and put into practice the rules for building a strong marriage.
Family relations between husband and wife: stages of development
Building a separate new family is always individual. Each person has his own character, interests, level of education and material income. Families are created at different ages and under different circumstances. At the same time, the stages of development through which each family passes are clearly traced.
After the formation of a new unit of society, each couple faces the same questions: learn how to manage a joint household, get along with relatives of the second half, and more. The joint solution of such issues is the development of relations in a couple. The psychology of family relations distinguishes seven main stages of their development:
- Love. At this romantic stage of the relationship, the partner's shortcomings are overlooked or misinterpreted. For example, slovenliness is confused with cute distraction, rudeness with a strong character, lack of taste with creativity.
- Confrontation. The transition to this stage often coincides with the desire of the couple to live together, after which people get to know each other better. The solution of everyday issues reveals different views on things, and the chosen one turns out to be not who he saw through the “rose-colored glasses” of the first stage. The psychology of family life teaches how to normalize relationships at this stage of development with the help of a sense of humor, the ability to show tolerance and find positive aspects in any situation.
- Finding a compromise. At this stage, the acceptance of the shortcomings of your other half gradually comes, but the irritation does not go anywhere. The couple learns to find a compromise in most controversial situations.
- Patience. The disadvantages of the second half are no longer annoying, tolerance comes, and the complete acceptance of the partner as he is. After understanding this, the relationship strengthens in a couple, and they develop into a mature relationship between a man and a woman.
- Respect. After the unrest experienced between the spouses, there is a surge of feelings at a new level. A firm understanding of "WE" appears, and the development of the "I" of each spouse is not so painfully perceived. Sincere pride and joy in the achievements of a partner in personal growth comes. Career success is no longer perceived as a hindrance to family life.
- Trust and gratitude. Family psychology at this stage reveals the appearance of gratitude to the partner. Spouses are ready to coordinate their actions and adapt to the needs of the second half.
- Love. Only after going through all six stages, and without losing each other in constant confrontations, the couple finds true love, which over the years only becomes stronger and no adversity is able to breed them. At this stage, the relationship moves to a spiritual level, the spouses understand each other half a word, half a glance. Unfortunately, not all couples reach this stage.
Psychology of relations between husband and wife: levels
Family psychologists call three psychological levels of the relationship between husband and wife:
- social level. It implies the obligatory formalization of marriage. Both spouses understand that they have certain obligations to each other. Such couples have an unspoken agreement in the relationship: partnership or leadership of one of the spouses. There are usually no confrontations for dominance in a pair;
- sexual level. between a man and a woman is the key to well-being in the family. However, the cause of the conflict may be the infidelity of one of the spouses, more often it is a man;
- emotional level. The psychology of the relationship between a man and his wife highlights this level as the most important. It happens that the emotional and sensual intensity subsides over time, and satiety sets in. The couple quietly and peacefully disperse. To restore an emotional connection, psychologists advise partners to live apart for a while.
Crises of family life by years
The psychology of family relations reveals the onset of a crisis in absolutely every couple. Someone faces this at the very beginning of a relationship, and someone after 25 years. Psychologists of family relations clearly explain the emergence of a crisis in a particular period of the joint life of spouses. A crisis over the years, a difficult test for a married couple, and not everyone experiences crises painlessly, as a result, families are destroyed.
Crisis of the first year
In the first year of life, partners study each other, get used to each other, fight for leadership in the family. By the end of the year, the idealized image of a partner, inspired by romance, is replaced by a real image. This crisis will bypass those people who have entered into marriage consciously and deliberately. Romantics are in for a deep disappointment.
Crisis after 3–5 years
By this time, as a rule, a child appears in the young unit of society. The already formed way of life is changing, and often the man is the first to experience inconvenience. Constantly crying baby, a nervous wife, hyperactive grandmothers, lack of finances - all this leads to the fact that the young father of the family cannot stand it. At this stage, it teaches the spouses to be able to support each other for the successful, joint overcoming of all difficulties.
Crisis of 7 years
The most controversial in the psychology of relations between a man and a woman in marriage is the crisis of 7 years. During this period, boredom creeps into the relationship from the daily routine, and monotonous sex on a schedule. The child is no longer capricious, the housing issue has been settled, duties are clearly divided. The day you live is an exact copy of the next.
The spouses have studied each other very well over the years they have lived together and there is no romance left in the relationship. In search of diversity sexual life the spouse begins to look to the side, and cheating often happens. The opinions of psychologists are divided: some believe that it is the routine that causes the breakup of the family, others are inclined to the infidelity of the husband. Men are more likely to leave the family after 7 years of marriage.
Crisis of 14 years
The most difficult psychology of family relations calls the 14-year crisis married life. During this period, the parents begin, and the child has a transitional period. Yesterday a smiling child, today it turns into a closed, gloomy teenager. Misunderstanding between the child and parents leads to conflicts in the family.
Adults begin to rethink personal achievements and come to the erroneous conclusion that the family has become a hindrance to a failed career. Everything is aggravated in the difference of views on the upbringing of a difficult teenager, which leads to more frequent quarrels.
Crisis of 25 years
Men are more likely to initiate divorce after 25 years of married life. During this period, a woman has menopause, hormonal changes take place, and her sexual activity is noticeably reduced. Men, on the contrary, want to show everyone (and first of all to themselves) that it is too early to write them off, and begin to think about betrayal.
Children by this time are already growing up and leaving the parental nest, and it turns out that it was they who acted as a factor holding the family together. During this period, it is important to morally support each other, start to actively relax together, pay more attention to the partner, and then the relationship will grow to a new, spiritual level of development.
Simple Rules for Building Good Relationships
Psychologists who study the psychology of family relations between a wife and a husband have developed simple rules that can be used to suppress the emerging conflict at an early stage. Five rules to help keep peace in the family:
- respect each other and relatives of the second half;
- show consideration and gratitude;
- be able to make concessions and forgive;
- do not focus on the shortcomings of a partner, especially in terms of sex;
- listen to the other half and look for a compromise together.
Even compliance with these simple rules does not guarantee the preservation of the relationship. It is important not to lose physical contact, because you can say a lot to your loved one. Common goals, dreams and their joint implementation contribute to the establishment of close relationships.
Readiness for family life
When planning to start a family, a couple should have a general understanding of the psychology of the family and family relationships. This knowledge will save you from mistakes in the future and help you assess your readiness for family life. It is a mistake to assume that puberty is enough for harmonious relationships and creating a family. The psychology of family relations focuses on three criteria for a couple's readiness to create a family: physical and mental maturity, social maturity, as well as ethical and psychological readiness for family life together.
Mental maturity implies a person's ability to self-actualize, to take a sober look at the existing state of affairs, the ability to find mutual language with people around. Future spouses understand that they will have to share household and financial difficulties in half and are ready for mutual assistance.
Social maturity means having an education, a job, and being able to support yourself and your family.
Psychological readiness implies the presence of common interests, spiritual values, views on the upbringing of children and awareness of the concept of "WE". At the same time, the personal "I" of the partners should not be infringed.
Understanding the psychology of the relationship between husband and wife in marriage will save young people from hasty decisions and rash conclusions of an alliance.
How to build trusting relationships?
At the initial stages of the development of relations, a high level of trust in the partner is formed. Lovers share secrets and dreams, open their souls to each other, and together make plans for the future. But after the start of family life and the birth of a child, the difficulties of everyday life and everyday routine minimize warm communication in a couple. Over time, this leads to alienation, and as soon as the children grow up, there is no need for them to maintain the appearance of a family. As a result, the couple divorced.
The psychology of family relationships provides an answer to how to avoid such a plot, build anew and further maintain trusting relationships between partners.
Knowing and using the following advice from psychologists, the likelihood of alienation of the second half is reduced:
- try to praise your partner as often as possible, make compliments, speak kind words;
- follow the words and even jokingly avoid offensive words addressed to a dear person;
- do not use “closed” gestures during quarrels (crossing arms, looking askance, tilting the body forward);
- do not invade the personal space of a partner without asking;
- not allow outsiders (parents, friends, colleagues) to interfere in the union;
- do not splash out irritation on a loved one, no matter how strong the desire;
- do not accumulate resentment, directly say what does not suit you in a relationship.
In addition, it is important to perform household duties jointly, dividing them equally. Often, a lack of understanding of responsibility for daily obligations at the household level causes the breakup of a young family.
Family counseling
Even knowledge and use in practice of the above rules and psychological techniques does not help to save the family. In this case, you should seek professional help.
A psychologist-hypnologist provides such assistance at a high level.
Divorce is always a huge shock in the life of any person. None of the former spouses are left to benefit from this. But most often, the biggest psychological loss is not the spouse who chose freedom or preferred a new partner, but the one who realizes that he is left without a loved one. It is very difficult for him in this difficult time to remain calm, restraint, control himself. It is difficult to hide despair and pain from the people around you, and most importantly, from your own children.
In addition, divorce radically changes the lives of both spouses. They have a huge number of new problems. For example, women experience economic hardship if they stay with children. Gradually, personal tastes and preferences are changing, the whole habitual way of life is changing, including relationships with mutual friends, relatives on both sides.
Most often, it is women who try to permanently break off relationships that bring them pain. After the dissolution of a marriage, many ex-wives try to erase their ex-husband from life. Pain, resentment, anger are still very strong. Often the psychological trauma inflicted does not heal for many years, sometimes throughout life.
However, it happens that even after a divorce, a woman does not let her ex-spouse out of her sight, takes care of him, preventing him from establishing new relationships and creating another family. But here, of course, it all depends on the nature of the former, their temperament, as well as the reason for the breakup.
Conversely, ex-husbands can also behave, although less frequently.
Both of these situations go beyond the boundaries of normal relations and require correction. No need to torment yourself with destructive anger, resentment. Also, one should not cling to a non-existent hope to renew old relationships, to bring them back. Of course, the psychology of relations between former spouses does not have to be friendly. However, it is impossible to become enemies for the rest of your life. Especially if dad and mom are raising a common child who equally needs the love of each of them.
Therefore, no matter what you had to go through, remember that life does not end there and it is better to maintain normal relations than to hate each other. And if the ex-spouse is ready to support good relationship with you, there is no need to prevent this, if only for the sake of the psychological comfort of your children.
However, it is very important to consider the reason that led to the destruction of the family. For example, advice about maintaining a good relationship does not apply if the divorce was due to the husband's or wife's alcoholism, drug addiction, or assault. In this case, it is better to protect or completely terminate relations with him.
But if the reason for the dissolution of the marriage is a domestic conflict or psychological inconsistency, then a good relationship can be maintained. We must continue to live on, strive for new relationships. At the same time, you need to remember the common mistakes that former spouses make and try to avoid them.
The most common mistakes after divorce
Probably, there is no such family where, after a divorce, the spouses would not make frequent mistakes. These mistakes add tension to an already difficult relationship. Therefore, I suggest that you briefly consider the most common of them, and if possible try to avoid them:
No one will argue that the most important moment in the dissolution of a marriage is the division of common property. It used to be that a man left the family with one suitcase, leaving everything acquired in marriage to his ex-wife and children. Modern spouses prefer to share everything, and take most of the property for themselves. Naturally, such a process is accompanied by scandals, exhausting both, takes a lot of time and effort.
Often after a divorce, a woman, wanting revenge ex-husband, begins to manipulate the children, who most often stay to live with her. Wanting to inflict psychological trauma on a loving father who is hard going through separation from a child, a woman, first of all, injures her own son or daughter, without thinking, forgetting about their feelings.
The subsequent, normal relations between the former spouses are also affected by understatement. For example, many couples try not to discuss the reason for the divorce among themselves. Such understatement causes tension between them, hinders the establishment of good relations, and prevents further communication. Therefore, remember that even if it is very difficult to talk to each other, you still have to do it.
And yet, many women are sure that men do not go through divorce and family breakdown as much as they do. But psychologists say otherwise. The majority of men after a divorce experience a strong sense of guilt that they could not save the marriage. They worry that they could not give happiness to the one they once loved. Therefore, often, it is for this reason that they try to avoid meeting with ex-wife.
In conclusion, it should be noted that the former spouses are quite capable of maintaining normal relations and avoiding common mistakes. The fact is, having learned to forgive, you can let go of the past, free yourself from the departed relationship. Only in this way can you build a new, happy future, find love, build a strong family.
How happy the young people are at the wedding, how happy they are that they met each other. Everyone wishes them: “Advice and love!” And the people who lived together say: “Patience to you!” Young - again: "Love you, love!" And those who have already lived: “Patience to you!”
It always surprised me at a wedding. “What kind of patience are they talking about? - I thought, - Love, love! And so I want those couples who create a family to be happy. So I want their happiness to be preserved for life.
Have I seen such families? I saw! And not only in photographs. royal family. It is possible, but it has become rare. Why? Not ready. We now very often have the following attitude: “Take everything from life! Make the most of today! Don't think about tomorrow."
Family is something else. The family presupposes sacrificial love. It involves the ability to listen to another person, to sacrifice something for the sake of another. This goes against the grain of what the media is now suggesting. Now the maximum that is said: "they began to live and make good." And that's it. Good to live! How to treat each other in family life? Unclear. We'll see how it goes.
Why does a young family begin to fall apart? What is she facing, what are the challenges?
Trying out new statuses
Before marriage, during the so-called "conquering period", young people are always in a good mood, look good, smile, and are very friendly. When they have already signed, they see each other every day as they are in real life.
I remember how one psychologist said this: "It is impossible for a person to walk on his toes all his life." In the premarital period, he walks on tiptoes. But in the family, if a person walks on tiptoes all the time, sooner or later his muscles will cramp. And he will still be forced to stand on his full foot, start walking as usual. It turns out that after marriage, people behave as usual, which means that not only the best things begin to appear in our character, but also the bad that, unfortunately, happens in our character, which we ourselves would like to get rid of. And at this moment, when a person becomes real, and not like standing in a shop window, some difficulties arise.
But it is not normal for a person to always be in a blissful state. I.e, loving people they begin to see each other in different states: in joy, in anger, and looking great, and not very. And it happens in a rumpled bathrobe, and it happens in sweatpants. If earlier a woman always looked beautiful, then after marriage, in the presence of her husband, she begins to bring beauty and the like. That is, those things that were previously hidden became visible. There is irritation, and in a sense, disappointment. Why was there a fairy tale before, but now it has come gray days? But that's okay! There was simply no need to create castles in the air.
Now you need to understand, to accept a person completely as he is. With its advantages and its disadvantages. At the moment when a person begins to show not only his virtues, but also his shortcomings, new roles of husband and wife appear. And this state - it is completely new for a man who has just concluded marriage. Of course, before marriage, before marriage, each person imagined what kind of husband or wife he would be, what kind of father or mother he would be. But this is at the level of mere ideas, ideals. Being married, a person behaves as it turns out. And compliance with the ideal is either obtained or not obtained. Of course, not everything works out in the best way from the very beginning.
For clarity, I will give an example. One woman said very wisely: “There is no such person who would get on figure skates for the first time and immediately go and begin to perform complex elements.” Well, that doesn't happen. He will definitely fall and fill bumps. It's the same with starting a family. People entered into an alliance and immediately became the best husband and wife in the world. That doesn't happen. You still have to endure pain, and fall, and cry. But you have to get up. That's life. This is fine.
The husband is expected to behave differently than the groom. And the wife is also expected to behave differently than the bride. Please note that even the manifestation of love should be different in the family from the manifestation of love in premarital relationships. Answer this question for yourself - if the groom puts a bouquet of flowers to his bride before marriage, climbing up the drainpipe to the third floor, how will this be perceived by other people? “Wow, how he loves her, he just lost his head from love!” Now imagine that the husband who has the key to this apartment does the same. He climbs up to the third floor to put a bouquet of flowers. In this case, everyone will say: "He's kind of strange." In the second case, this will be perceived not as a virtue, but as an oddity of his thinking. Think if he is sick.
It would seem a trifle, how to present a bouquet of flowers. But the expectations from the groom and from the husband are completely different. Why? Yes, because love is something in marriage, it is completely different. Here everything is more serious, more demanding, tolerance, prudence, calmness should be shown much more. Completely different qualities are expected. Returning to the original question, premarital relationships and the beginning of family life are completely different stages in the life of a family. But the beginning of a family, it seems to me, is more interesting, because this is already real life. Premarital relations are a preparation for a fairy tale, and family life is already a fairy tale beginning. Which will be happy or unhappy, but it's up to you.
The difference between a man and a woman in understanding love and family
A man and a woman feel differently at the very beginning of family life. Many women have a desire to maintain the style of premarital relations, so that a man always compliments them, gives them flowers, gifts. Then she believes that he truly loves her. And if he does not give gifts, does not say compliments, a suspicion arises: "Probably fell out of love." And the young wife begins to peer into him, to ask questions. And the man does not understand why the woman is so restless, what happened.
When psychologists began to study this issue, it turned out that at any stage in the development of a family, it is important for a woman that a man say something good and kind to her. A woman is so arranged that she needs verbal support. And men are more rational. And when men are asked about the faded feelings, they are surprised, and most say so: “But we signed, the fact is. After all, this is the most important proof of love. It's clear, what else is there to say?
That is, a different approach for men and women. A woman needs proof every day. And so the man does not understand what happens to her every day. But after all, it doesn’t cost him anything to bring and give a flower. And the woman will blossom after that, the mountains will turn! It is important to her, but the man does not reach. One man said that when a woman gets angry, he does not attack her, but says to her: “Despite the fact that you are angry, I still love you. You are so beautiful!” What happens to the woman? She melts and says, "It's impossible to talk seriously with you." You just need to feel each other and say the necessary words. Since a woman is more emotional, you need to give her this emotional support.
They began to look further, and it turned out that even the very concept of “love and be together” is understood by a man and a woman in different ways. There is such a family of psychologists, husband and wife Kronik. They explored how men and women understand what it means to be together. When concluding a marriage, a man and a woman say: “I marry for love. I love this person. And I want to always be with him.” It would seem that we speak the same language, we pronounce the same thing. But it turns out that a man and a woman put different meanings into these words. Which?
The first and most common. When a woman says "to love and be together", her representation can be depicted in the form of the following model. If you draw circles (they are called Eller circles): one circle and inside it a shaded second circle. This is what it means for a woman to be together. She tries to be in the center of the life of her beloved man. Such women often say: "I love you so much that if you are not in my life, then it loses its meaning." This is the same type of relationship when a woman in family life begins to cry or runs to a psychologist. She doesn't understand what's going on. “But we agreed to be together,” she says.
If you look from an Orthodox point of view, the law is violated here: in the Gospel it is written "Do not make an idol for yourself." This woman makes her husband not just a husband and a loved one, she puts him above God. She says to him, “You are everything to me.” This is a violation of the spiritual law!
From a psychological point of view, such a woman takes the role of a mother in these relationships, and makes a child out of her husband. She re-educates her husband to the level of a capricious child. “Watch how I cook. You have porridge, you have soup. Look how good I clean. How about this or this? You only love me! And let me rock you, I'll sing a song. And the man gradually from the head of the family becomes a child. Who would refuse to be carried in their arms?
Several years pass, and the woman begins to scream: “I gave you my whole life, and you are ungrateful!” “Listen,” the man says, “I didn’t ask you to do this.” And he is absolutely right. She grabbed him in her arms, carried him, and then burst into tears. Who is to blame here? A man should be the head of the family, and the wife should behave in such a way that he feels like the Head. She should not raise a capricious child out of him. You have to know how to love!
The second type of family, common in godless Russia, depicted with the help of Eller's circles. One shaded circle. Style "do not leave a step from me, and I will not leave you." This family is like a prison. Once, in a student sketch, one student described this situation as follows: the wife, as it were, says to her husband, “To the leg, to the leg!” She says this to the head of the family, her husband! But he's not a dog! Why "to the foot"? At the same time, a woman comes to a family consultation and says: “You know, I suffer so much, and he is so ungrateful. He doesn't appreciate me at all! At the same time, she sincerely believes that she is suffering. And she does not understand that her strongest love is for herself. The attitude towards the husband is humiliating, not as to the head of the family, but as to the one to whom you can say “Silence!” and "To the foot!"
The next version of love and interpretation of the concept of "being together." This option is the most normal and humane. If we represent the relationship as wedding rings, they will overlap each other a bit. That is, the husband and wife are together, but not like in the second case, when the family is like a prison. Here the woman understands that her husband is an independent person, he has the right to his experiences, his actions. They do not always have to walk toe to toe and look in one direction, there must be respect for each other, trust. If a man is not at home for some time, this does not mean that he is doing something indecent. No need to tell him “Where have you been? .. And now again, but honestly!” There must be a certain freedom, trust in each other. And a woman feels more comfortable, comfortable when a man is not always in front of her eyes. I want to pay attention, love is still giving another person the opportunity to do something without you. From this, the other person does not become a stranger, from this he grows up, he gains new information, his life becomes richer. A person communicates at his work, he reads books that he likes. Having processed all this, he becomes more interesting in the family, becomes more mature.
Now let's see how men understand what it means to be together. It turned out that the most common option is the following. If you draw two circles, then they will be at a distance from each other, and will be united by something in common: basically, a man and a woman are united by their place of residence (apartment). What does it mean? The man is more independent. He needs more freedom in life. This does not mean that he is not a domestic person. A man appreciates family life very much. He just needs a normal environment in the family. He does not need a hysterical wife, rushing about, who sees her life in raising her husband as a student. He doesn’t need the one who reproaches all her life, and then says, “Why don’t you appreciate me?”
This misunderstanding between a man and a woman, when they understand differently what “being together” means, is felt especially sharply in the first year of marriage. Because of this, women suffer more often. Therefore, I turn to them. If a man is not always in front of your eyes, do not take it as a tragedy. Moreover, a man must necessarily assert himself at work. If he asserts himself in work, in his profession, he becomes much softer in the family. If something does not work out for him at work, then he behaves tougher in the family. Therefore, do not be jealous of his work. This is also a mistake. Husband and wife should not breathe in and out at the same time. And in life, too, everyone should have their own rhythm, but they should be together. Unity should occur at the level of trust and respect for the other person.
I sometimes suggest to some women: “Imagine that a man would tell you trouble from morning to evening, teach you something from morning to evening.” Such things never occur to women. Women do not understand at all that she is not a teacher in the family, and her husband is not a loser. Quite the contrary: he is the head of the family, and she should be his assistant. Teaching him is not according to the commandments, it is a violation of spiritual laws.
There are physical laws and there are spiritual ones. Both those and others are God's. Both those and others are not cancelled. There is a law of universal earth gravity. A stone is thrown, it must fall to the ground. A heavy stone is thrown, it will hit very hard. The same is true of spiritual laws. Whether we know them or not, they still work. The elders write that "The dominion of a woman over a man is a blasphemy against God," theomachism. If a woman does not behave according to the commandments, she will suffer. Women, beware! Start acting like you're supposed to. Everything will come to life and line up as it should.
Monotone
In the first year of family life, there is such a difficulty as monotony. If, before marriage, they met occasionally with each other, there were dates, and at that time both were in high spirits, everything was festive. In family life, it turns out that they see each other every day. And they already see everyone, and in good mood, and in bad, they see ironed, ironed and not ironed at all. As a result of monotony, monotony, emotional fatigue accumulates. You have to learn how to celebrate. Just drop everything and go out of town together. Another environment, nature, and you both calmed down. Just a change of mind. And when people return from such a trip, everything is already different. Many problems no longer seem as global as before, and everything is simpler. The most important thing is that it be together, and that they rest together, throw off this monotony, get rid of the monotony.
Minor hypertrophy
As a result of monotony, emotional fatigue sets in, the so-called “hypertrophy of small things” begins. That is, trifles begin to annoy.
A woman is annoyed that a man, returning home, does not hang his jacket on a coat hanger, but throws it somewhere. Another woman is annoyed that toothpaste is squeezed out not in the middle, but from above or below (that is, not where she is used to). And it starts to irritate to a nervous chill. A man also begins to annoy some things. For example, why is she talking on the phone for so long. And before marriage, it touched him. “Wow, how sociable she is, how they love her, how many people are drawn to her, and she chose me.” In marriage, the same thing irritates to a nervous tremor. “What can you talk about for so many hours on the phone? he asks. - No, you tell me - about what? When married couples come for a consultation, you see that they are not ready for a compromise, they can hardly restrain themselves physically. Husband and wife often turn to each other with the question: “Do you understand that these are trifles? Well, if it's not that important, why is it so hard for you to give in to me?"
First, the attitude that someone else has to realign for me is not a smart attitude. Even in ancient times, people said, "If you want to be happy, be happy." This does not mean that the whole world should be rebuilt for the sake of our convenience. There must be elementary patience and self-control. Well, what difference does it make how the man squeezed out the paste? It's not a global tragedy that he hung his clothes on a chair and not on a hanger. You can react differently without getting hysterical.
What else is starting to happen? There is a need to run a business. If earlier at home it was possible to do nothing, or to do occasionally, because you were a child, now everything turned out differently. Previously, they told you: “You will gain more in life, you can rest for now.” And when families are created, the classic version is as follows: a young wife can only boil an egg or potatoes, fry scrambled eggs, heat cutlets, and the husband can do about the same thing. Is it readiness for family life? The elementary preparation of dinner becomes a feat. Remember the movie, Munchausen says "Today I have a feat on my schedule"? Then everything in the family becomes a feat. Even simple cooking. Everything used to be done by my mother, but then some duties fell. It is very annoying if you are not ready, if you are used to using it.
What to do in this situation? Grow up! Rebuild! You need to make an effort on yourself. It's elementary, if you remember the stage when children move from kindergarten to school, and they have new responsibilities, new lessons, it takes so much time to prepare. Well, that's why they don't drop out of school! Learn, go further and further.
Just laugh at this little thing, turn everything into a joke. This is on the one hand. On the other hand, go towards each other. It's not like this anymore global problem because you can listen to the other person. This is the most reasonable. There is a phrase - "I will die, but I will not worship." Well, why die standing when it's so easy to come up and hang your jacket in the right place, if it's so annoying to another person, especially a loved one? After all, he will be grateful to you, and the evening will turn out to be happier and there will be no scenes. The same for a woman. If she feels that her husband is annoyed by her long conversations on the phone, she must give in to him.
Who is the head of the family or to Caesar - Caesar's
In the first year, it is determined who will be the head of the family. Husband or wife? Very often, women who marry for love begin their family life by pleasing their husband. It is so natural: when you love, to do good to another person. Many women are carried away. They begin to behave in the spirit of “I will do everything myself. After all, the main thing is that you feel good.” If you need to clean up, of course, she herself. To the store? No need, she's on her own. If the husband offers help, immediately “no need, no need, I myself.” If a man starts to decide something, a woman also tries to take an active part “but I think so”, “let's do as I say”. She, simply put, does not understand at this moment that she is unconsciously (and sometimes consciously) trying to take on the role of the head of the family.
A lot of women who get married behave the same way at a wedding, when the newlyweds are supposed to bite off a piece of the loaf. They try so hard to bite off more. They shout to her: “Bite more!” And the woman tries to swallow to the maximum. According to the Moscow proverb: "The wider you open your mouth, the more you bite off." So they try to open their mouth wider, up to a dislocation. They do not even know that a family tragedy begins here. This is the beginning of family pain in several generations. Why? It is normal for a man when he is the head of the family (whether he understands it or not). The woman is weak. The man himself is more rational, cold-blooded, calm. He has a different mindset. Women are more emotional, we feel more, but we capture more in breadth and not in depth. Therefore, the family council should be in the family: one takes more in width, the other in depth. One is more at the level of a cold mind, the other is at the level of the heart, feelings. Then there is fullness, warmth, comfort.
If a woman, without realizing it, intercepts the role of a leader from a man, the following happens: she changes, loses her femininity, becomes masculine. Pay attention, a woman in love and loving can be seen from afar. She is very gentle, the embodiment of femininity and motherhood, calm, peaceful. If we take emancipated modernity, then in many families matriarchy now reigns, in which the woman is the leader of the family. Why?
Very often, women come for a consultation and say, “Yes, where can I get them, real men. I would love to marry someone like that, but where can I find him?” When you start to analyze the situation, it turns out that with her attitude to life and her behavior, only the man who will shut up and step aside can survive with her without a heart attack. Because someone has to be sane. He thinks: “I’d better keep quiet, because she can’t be shouted down.” She shouts to him: “What kind of husband are you ?!” And he was simply already deaf from her scream. “Yes, here I am. Take it easy. You see that you are not alone. Just you feel that you are a woman.
A woman should be feminine, soft and not hysterical. It must radiate warmth. The task of a woman is to keep the hearth. But what kind of guardian is she, if it is a tsunami, a typhoon, a small Chechen war within the family territory? A woman needs to come to her senses, remember that she is a woman!
Women ask me the question “What should I do if he does not take on the role of head?” Firstly, I must say that we do not prepare boys for the role of the head of the family. It was earlier, before 1917, that the boy was told: “When you grow up, you must become the head of the family, you will answer to God, as your wife was behind you (she is a weak vessel). You will answer how the children felt behind your back (they are small, after all). You will have to answer to God what you have done so that they all feel good.” They told him: “You are a protector! You must protect your family, your homeland." Orthodoxy teaches us that there is no higher honor than laying down one's life for one's friends. It's an honor! Because you're a man. And now they say: “Yes, you think! Do you want to join the army? You will die there! Are you crazy or something?!” Now they are brought up in the spirit: “You are still small, you still have to live for yourself.”
And this “little one” creates a family. And everything would be fine, he could become the head of the family if there was a feminine woman nearby. Nearby should be a wife who was brought up in Orthodox traditions who knows that her task is to be such a wife that she wants to return to her house, because she is there, because she is kind and loving, and not to shy away from her with the words "Lord, have mercy." She should be such a mother that the children can come to her for help, and not run away from her, seeing how bad her mood is. She should be the hostess so that it would not be a feat for her to cook food. You see, when a man marries a feminine woman, the family structure is different. And in a family with an emancipated woman, the following situation often occurs. She says: “Last time you did not listen to me, and it turned out badly. So be smart, listen to me now! Haven't you realized yet that you're complete (knock-knock-knock) compared to me?"
When I studied at the institute, our teacher once said: “Girls, remember for the rest of your life: a smart man and a smart woman are not the same thing.” Why? A smart person has erudition, extraordinary thinking. A smart woman does not stick out her intellect when communicating, especially in a family. She tries to carefully find the very solution, the softest, most painless, which would suit everyone in the family, to help her husband, and so that everything is peaceful and calm. Many of our women do not behave smartly. They go on a frontal attack, they act like wrestlers in the ring, women's boxing starts. What does a man do? He steps aside. "If you want to fight, well, fight."
The Moscow psychologist (God rest her soul) Florenskaya Tamara Alexandrovna said a wonderful phrase: “In order for a husband to be a real man, you must become a real woman yourself.” We must start with ourselves. This, of course, is difficult, but without this, a real man will not work nearby. When a woman is constantly torn and hysterical, a man tries to step aside so as not to go deaf.
It's so simple. When a woman catches her breath and begins to change, at first the man tensely waits for the usual scenes, begins to ask: “Are you all right?” But then, when it really changes, then the husband finally begins to behave like a man, because he is given the opportunity to behave not like a whipping boy, but like a real man. And then, because the parents behave like a normal husband and wife, and the children calm down. Peace comes to the family, everything falls into place.
Some women say, “How can I act like a helper? I can not! Neither my grandmother nor my mother behaved like this. I've never seen this before my eyes."
Really, how? Everything is trite and very simple - it is not necessary to stick out your “I” and put it at the forefront, but simply love the other and take care of it. Then the heart begins to tell.
For example, a woman says, “Here I am discussing family issues with him, but still I make the right decision. Why lie then? Why waste time on this? This is how an intelligent person behaves, but an unintelligent woman, because she is digging a grave for her family. She seems to be saying: “I don’t see you point-blank. What did someone say? Are you? What did you squeak there?
Is this how they behave with the head of the family? Here, for example, one very smart woman answers my question: “How do you talk to your husband?” She says: “I will tell you the options that came to my mind, but the decision is up to you. You are the head." She told him how she sees the situation, and he makes the decision. And it is right!
I understand it's hard to say. A modern woman is more likely to break, and will act on the principle of "I will die, but I will not bow down." And the family is falling apart.
It is normal for a woman to turn to a man for advice. And the man begins to get used to the fact that he is in charge, what will be asked of him. When there are children, it is normal to say to the child: “Ask dad. As he says, so be it. After all, he's our boss."
When the children are naughty, it’s right to say: “Quietly, dad is resting. He was at work. Let's be quiet." These are trifles, but it is from them that a happy family is formed. This must be learned to do. This is how a smart woman behaves, the keeper of the hearth. Next to such a woman, a man from an inexperienced boy becomes the head. It is such a family, according to a survey of sociologists and psychologists, that is strong, because everything is in its place.
The relationship of a young family with relatives
Family psychologists who have studied so many young families have come to the conclusion that it is better to live separately from their parents. With modern upbringing, if a young family begins to live separately, it does not affect how they master their roles as painfully as if they lived with their parents.
I'll explain why. Modern people are very infantile. Very often, people who create families, they are still determined to be children, so that mom and dad carry them on their hands, so that mom and dad solve their problems. If there is not enough money to help them. If you can't buy clothes, buy more clothes. If the decor isn't good enough, they can help with the furniture as well. And if there is no apartment, they should rent an apartment. This setting is selfish. Their parents, like small children, must be carried on the handles, they must be rolled in strollers. This is not right, because when you create your own family, these are two adults who may soon have their own children. They already have to carry someone on their hands. When creating a family, it is necessary in advance, before marriage, before the wedding, to think about where the young people will live. It is better to find an opportunity, try to earn money in advance. It is desirable that not at the expense of the parents, but at their own expense, at least for the first six months, rent an apartment and live separately.
Why did psychologists come to the conclusion that with modern upbringing, it is better to start family life separately? When a family is formed, young people must master the role of husband or wife. These roles must be consistent. But it doesn't work out that everything goes smoothly. And to become a good wife, a woman must feel for herself what it means to be a good wife. For her, this is still an unusual state. The same is true for a man. Being a husband is unusual, but he is the head of the family, a lot is expected of him. More recently, there was so much freedom, and now there are only responsibilities. A man needs to get used to it. Young spouses need to coordinate their actions so that communication between husband and wife is a joy. And in these painful moments, when everything does not always work out, it is better for young people to live separately. When one person after the wedding comes to another family, he must not only find a common language with this particular person. He will have to join the life of another family in which they lived without him for very many years. For example, consider the relationship in the classroom when a new student arrives. Everyone had been together for a long time, and then a new one came. At first, everyone looks at him. And it happens, like in the movie "Scarecrow". If a person is different from others, then repressive measures will necessarily begin against him, he will be tested for strength. See how he behaves. Why? He is different, and we need to see how much we can find a common language with him.
The Japanese even have a saying: "If a nail sticks out, it is driven in." What does she mean? If a person stands out in some way, they try to fit him to the general standard so that he becomes like everyone else. It turns out that a person who has come to another family, in which all relations have already developed, experiences more difficulties. He has to build relationships not only with one person, husband or wife, but also with other relatives. He is no longer equal, it is more difficult for him.
When young people get married, they look at each other and think that the family is two people. And there are still numerous relatives, and everyone has their own idea of how to behave with this family: what time to come to visit them and leave, in what tone to talk, how often to interfere. And these problems with new relatives are quite painful.
How are today's youth behaving? Very often she was brought up in a system of democracy, in the values of universal equality. Elderly people have lived their lives, they have a rich experience. What is the equality here? What a familiar pat on the shoulder? There must be respect for adults! But even adults now have their distortions. It is written in the Gospel that "and a man will leave his father and his mother, and the two will become one flesh." A person must leave his parents. They have the right to intervene in the life of a child when he does not have his own family. When he has his own family, he is, as they say, "a cut piece." The family must make their own decisions, in their own family council. Climbing up to them so actively with advice is not allowed.
Especially often there are problems when a mother interferes in the life of a young family. A man, unlike a woman, rarely intervenes in the family of his child. What is the mother's mistake? The only mistake is that it helps incorrectly. Help, of course, is needed, but not at the level of humiliation and reproaches. The same thing can be said at the level of a reprimand, a public slap in the face. And the same can be said very carefully, one on one. "Daughter, I wanted to talk to you." When it is said with love, the heart always responds. When this is said with the wrong inner attitude, the person starts to reject. We must learn to help another person. Not at the level of the sovereign, who beats with a whip, but at the parental level, having many years of experience behind her and instructing them, fledgling chicks, helping with advice. They will definitely listen!
And another feature: very many young people now, when they are creating families, they begin to call their new parents not “mother” and “dad”, but by their first name and patronymic. Their motivation is as follows: “Well, you know, I have a dad and a mom. And it’s hard for me to say “mom” and “dad” to strangers.” This is not true! We have formal and informal style in clothes, there is a classic suit and there are home clothes. The official style also implies official communication by name and patronymic, here it is indecent to call by name. This style of communication sets the distance. If in a family where there are close relationships, communication takes place at the level of an official reception, then a distance immediately appears. And then the question: why do they treat me with arrogance? It's okay to call your new parents "mom" and "dad" if you're well-bred. “Mommy”, “daddy”, and the answer will be involuntarily - “daughter” or “son”. As it comes around, so it will respond. There is such a law in psychology: if you want to change your attitude towards yourself, change your attitude towards this person. We must feel with the heart of another person.
This is very difficult. Many women in consultations say: “He has such a mother! It's impossible to bear it. Why should I love her?" You understand, if you lack so much kindness, love at least her for the fact that she gave birth and raised such a son to you. She gave birth. And she raised. And now you're married to him. For that, you should be grateful to her. Start at least with this, and the other person will feel it. Necessarily! As it comes around, so it will respond. You need to love your relatives, and not immediately arrange transformations: “I came, and now everything will be different. Here we will rearrange, here we will plant flowers, we will replace the curtains.” If this family lived in its own way, and you came to this family, you must respect it. You need to start by loving other people and learning how to give love. Do not demand, but give!
This is the task of the first year of family life. It's very hard. If a person is brought up in Orthodoxy, it is natural for him. If he was brought up in a modern way: in the spirit of “live, take everything from life”, then these are continuous problems. As a result, the first year ends, and you think, “Before that, life went on calmly, like in a fairy tale. And there are so many problems. Let's get divorced." And people get divorced without realizing that family life can be very happy, you just have to work hard, and then the return can be huge. If at the very beginning of family life this sprout is broken off, then there will be a point, thorns for the rest of your life. That is, you need to let the family get stronger, gain strength so that it gives you warmth.
This painful moment of the formation of a family is common. For example, a baby learns to walk, he gets up and falls, gets up and falls. But this does not mean that now he should not learn to walk. A young family, she also learn to walk. But there is such a feature. When a baby learns to walk, it is necessary that an adult stands nearby, constantly insures, takes by the hand. In the case of a young family, they should hold each other's hand. Together, husband and wife. Psychologists recommend starting to learn to walk separately from other relatives. When they learn to walk with one foot, figuratively speaking, then it turns out that they can already move to the next step. It is possible after some time, after they have lived separately, to move to their parents. And the money that was spent on paying for an apartment can already be spent on other things.
In addition, a separate life helps young spouses grow up. I started with the fact that we have some young people, and even for the most part, when they start family life, they also have consumer attitudes. “Give it, give it, give it! I am still a child, I am still small and there is no demand from me.” But imagine if a person ended up on a desert island. Who will pay attention to whether you are small or rather big, whether you know how to cook or not? You will be forced to look around so that you can eat it, and then you will have to look for a way to cook it. After all, you will not eat raw fish, such as it was thrown ashore? You have to find opportunities, learn how to cook food, how to arrange your life. When young people begin to live separately, they seem to be on that same desert island. It depends only on them what they will eat, how they will live, how they will build relationships. It helps you grow up much faster. And infantile attitudes, such as “carry me in your arms,” must be removed. This is reasonable, and I think parents should not interfere with this. Of course, I want my children to be all right, I want to pick them up in their arms. But it's time for them to grow up. Listen to this. Of course, there are times when young people are already internally mature, when they can build their relationships while being in the family of their parents. But for most young people it is very difficult. These are additional problems.
The appearance of a child
The second stage, the second step. First year. A child appears in the family. I do not take the case of so-called "feigned" marriages (that is, when the bride is pregnant and therefore the marriage takes place). Previously, in Russia it was considered a shame. Why? The word "bride" means - "unknown", synonyms - mystery, purity. Her clothes are white, a sign of purity. In our case, which bride is the unknown? Recently I was shown a fashion magazine for a pregnant bride. Different variants wedding dress for pregnant brides. Simply accustom deliberately, systematically to debauchery. Previously, it was at the level of shame, but now it is in the order of things.
What happens if the bride is pregnant? The first crisis of family life is superimposed by another - the child. And the family is bursting at the seams. If you look psychologically. And if you know the spiritual laws, then things are already obvious here. The fact is that when a person lives according to the commandments of God, when he is covered with grace, everything happens by itself for him. He goes with gratitude. There is a sense of security. Feeling that God is love and He cares about each of us. When a person starts to sin… there is such a thing as “sin stinks”. The guardian angel departs because our sin stinks. Grace departs from us, we begin to suffer, to suffer. We ourselves have departed from God. We chose this path and suffer ourselves. When the bride becomes so “experienced” (and sometimes more than one man), and then she asks: “Why do I suffer so much, why do my children suffer?” Well, open the Gospel, read it!
When a child was born earlier, they prayed, asked God to send that child who would be a joy to the family, a joy to God. Now often "holiday" children are born. When people get drunk on holidays and in this state they conceive a child. And then the baby is born, and the parents ask: who did he go to, didn’t we have such a family?
Before, when a woman was carrying a child, she always prayed. She confessed often, took communion. Through this, the child is formed. The body of a woman is a house for this baby. She is cleansed, and her condition affects the child. Naturally, everything also affects the relationship with her husband, physical relationships cease. Because this is a hormonal earthquake for the baby. Why do they say "imbibed with mother's milk"? When the mother was feeding the baby, she prayed. And if a mother, while feeding, swore with her husband or watched a film of semi-pornographic content, which is now constantly shown on TV, then what is laid on the baby with mother's milk? Remember how you behaved when you carried a child and fed. And why be surprised after that?
There are no dead ends in Orthodoxy. God is absolute love and He is waiting for our repentance. Only. And as in the parable prodigal son, only the son returns, the father ran towards him. “Father, I am not worthy to be called your son,” says the son, and the father runs to meet him. Here you just need to realize and repent, and repentance means correction. And repentance should not only be at the level of “now I won’t do this.” It is necessary to go to confession, to take communion. We heal then soul and body.
We often would like to cope with our strengths, but we cannot. I remember that in the Soviet period there was a slogan: "Man is the blacksmith of his own happiness." And in one newspaper I read: "Man is the grasshopper of his own happiness." Exactly! A person jumps, chirps, thinks that he is jumping high. What a blacksmith! After all, without God, man cannot do anything. Therefore, you need to go to God, repent, ask for strength, say “I have already done so much in my life, help me, fix it, I can’t, you can. Help! Wise me, direct and fix everything. You could revive four-day Lazarus when he was already a stinking corpse. You revive me, revive my family, which is already stinking, disintegrating, my children who have suffered, you help them yourself. And, of course, you need to start improving yourself. It's all possible.
What happens when a young family has a baby? They expect him and think: now everything will be fine. And it begins that they must assume the new roles of mother and father. There is a feat of motherhood and fatherhood. This love is sacrificial, you have to forget about yourself. But how can you forget about yourself? It's so hard when you're selfish. And when you love, it's not difficult at all.
When a baby is born, how is the load in the family rebuilt? Firstly, if we take statistics, the workload on household chores sharply increases for a woman, the time for cooking is doubled. For adults, cook for a small one. And all by the hour. In addition, the time for washing increases many times over.
Farther. A newborn baby should sleep 18-20 hours a day. But now in our city, and throughout Russia, only 3% of absolutely healthy babies are born. In babies, the diagnosis of "hyperexcitability" has become a traditional one. What modern baby sleeps for 18-20 hours? He cries and cries. As a result, when crying stops, a woman can fall asleep both sitting and half standing. The woman has such an emotional overload. What about the man? He thought it would be such a blessing. But it turned out to be the opposite: the wife rushes about, the child cries. And that's what family life is all about.
What happens next? An offer comes in: “Let's get a divorce? So tired! But why get divorced? You just need to grow up. A child will not be a baby all his life. In a year, he will begin to walk, grow, and then the baby has an amazing ability (up to 5 years old) to bring joy. They are such suns in the family, they are so happy with everything. "What is there to be happy about?" - we think. And they are so happy: “Mom, look at the house here, and the house here, and around the house.” And he's so happy. “Oh, mother, look at the bird!” And he is happy. For them, everything is the first time in their lives. This is a lesson for us, adults, how to get joy from everything.
Recording of the conversation - Center for the Protection of Maternity "Cradle", Yekaterinburg.
Transcription, editing, headings - website
A distance (online) course will help to find family happiness .
(Psychologist Alexander Kolmanovsky)
The ship of the family crashes on the ice of selfishness ( Crisis psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky)
The family needs hierarchy Psychologist Lyudmila Ermakova)
Commitment keeps people together Family psychologist Irina Rakhimova)
Marriage: the end and the beginning of freedom ( Psychologist Mikhail Zavalov)
Does a family need a hierarchy? ( Psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky)
If you create a family, then for life ( Yuri Borzakovsky, Olympic champion)
The country of the family is a great country ( Vladimir Gurbolikov)
Apologia for marriage ( Priest Pavel Gumerov)