"I am offended ..."

I hear such words more often from women than from men, probably because women are less likely to openly express their aggression than men, their feelings are softer.

Resentment is most often felt in the chest area. It is experienced as a "caustic", "slimy" feeling that burns, pulls, presses. Sometimes the experience of resentment is accompanied by tears - “tears of resentment”.

Resentment, like anger, most often occurs in close relationships. The closer a person is, the stronger our resentment.

Resentment is a childish form of anger. Anger is an emotion that occurs in a situation of discomfort. It gives us strength in order to cope with the situation, protect ourselves, achieve our goal no matter what.

People who have experienced an aggressive or neglectful attitude from significant adults in childhood are usually inclined to be offended. The child does not have the flexibility and experience to adapt to the changing environment... And he seeks to win the love of adults, to adapt to their requirements. Therefore, when close adults treat him rudely, undeservedly punish him, the child usually reacts not with open anger, but with resentment. When traumatic situations are repeated frequently, a habit of resentment is formed. It is also formed if one of the parents (usually of the same gender as the child) shows such a reaction to uncomfortable situations.

Usually, the feeling of resentment goes away on its own, if you do not "feed" it with experiences. When we repeatedly recall an uncomfortable situation, scroll it in front of our mind's eye, over and over again feel a sense of resentment, we contribute to the formation of its stability. When there are many grievances, and our body's defense systems are depleted, the “somatization” of resentment can occur - the emergence of psychosomatic diseases against the background of experiences.

The habit of being offended can even become a kind of defense mechanism - it helps to justify oneself in case of failure (“I was prevented from doing this”), protects against mistakes (“I am offended and will not continue to do this”). Resentment protects against the need to say no in difficult situations and allows you to easily and justifiably distance yourself from the relationship in which you were offended.

The emotion of resentment itself is neither good nor bad. It's just our body's response to an irritant. But is it worth reminding that, both for others and for the person himself, the experience of resentment is a painful, unpleasant process. The energy of resentment (initially the energy of anger) is necessary for us in order to achieve the goal despite opposition. But when we are offended, this energy is wasted in empty, "sour" and our needs, for which it was allocated, remain unmet. We stay where we are, abandon our desires, lose or spoil our relationship.

The most effective way to get rid of resentment is forgiveness. There are many techniques, meditations, visualizations that help to forgive, get rid of resentment.

I want to bring to your attention two techniques that Louise Hay suggests in her book Heal Yourself.

Dissolving Resentment Exercise

Sit somewhere in silence, relax. Imagine that you are in a darkened theater with a small stage in front of you. Put on the stage the person you need to forgive (the person you hate the most). This person can be dead or alive, and your hatred can be both lived and present.

When you see this person clearly, imagine that something good is happening to him, something that is of great importance to this person. Imagine him smiling and happy. Hold this image in your imagination for a few minutes, and then let it disappear.

Then, when the person you want to forgive leaves the stage, put yourself there. Imagine that only good things happen to you. Imagine yourself happy and smiling. And know that the universe is good enough for all of us.

Visualization exercise

Here's another very good exercise. Imagine yourself as a small child (5-6 years old). Look deeply into this child's eyes. Try to see the deep longing and understand that this longing for love for you. Reach out and embrace this little child, press it to your chest. Tell him how much you love him. Say that you admire his intelligence, and if he makes mistakes, then it's okay, everyone makes them.

Promise him that you will always come to his aid if necessary. Now let the child become very small, about the size of a pea. Put it in your heart. Let him live there. When you look down, you will see his little face and you can give him all your love, so important to him.

Now imagine your mom when she was 4-5 years old, scared and hungry for love. Reach out your hands to her and tell her how much you love her. Tell her that she can count on you no matter what. When she is calm and safe, place her in your heart.

Now imagine your father as a little boy 3-4 years old, he is also very afraid of something and cries loudly, inconsolably. You will see tears rolling down his face like a hail. You now know how to calm young children. Press him against your chest and feel his body trembling. Calm him down. Let him feel your love. Tell him that you will always be by his side.

When his tears are dry, let him become very tiny too. Put it in your heart with you and your mom. Love them all, for there is nothing more holy than love for small children. There is enough love in your heart to heal our entire planet. But let's cure ourselves first. Feel the warmth spreading through your body. Softness and tenderness. Let this precious feeling begin to change your life.

Perhaps when you start doing these exercises, you will feel a sense of resistance. “Forgive them? For what have they done? No way! Never! I just can't do it! I do not want to do this!" This is a natural reaction of the body to a violation of the usual stereotype of activity, nothing more. Over time, these reactions will be less emotional and after some time of practice, you will be able to forgive and forget grievances more easily.

However, in my opinion, simply learning to forgive is not enough. It is useful to learn to be stable in your aspirations and desires, to learn to achieve them, despite failures and resentments. The more you realize own desires and aspirations, the less you will have reasons to be angry and offended. And the more you will have a reason to feel joy and satisfaction from life.

Of course, you can say, “Why should I put in the effort? After all, it is THEY who offend me. It would not hurt them to stop doing this. ”To this I will answer this way: we ourselves are the creators of our own life. Of course, you can wait for someone else to stop spoiling your life. And you can learn to react to such situations more easily and be joyful right now. Which one will you choose?

Most of us regularly ask this question. From early childhood, we were taught that it is not right to offend the people around us. But for some reason they rarely talked about the fact that being offended yourself is harmful to our harmonious existence and development. It is up to you to remember the grievances or not, but let's think about whether there is any benefit from this.

Is it harmful to remember grievances for a long time?

By nature, I am a rather quick-tempered, but quick-witted person. Despite this, some time ago I could go over in my head thoughts about the unfair treatment of me for a very long time. For example, such as: offended, not appreciated, betrayed, forgotten, and so on.

If you think about it, how much time are we willing to spend thinking about who? why? and why? did not do to us as we expected of him. I am absolutely sure that all the thoughts that are deposited and stored in our heads about how unhappy we have become because of the ugly act of another person, ultimately lead to inadequate, lowered self-esteem.

As a result - to malfunctions of our nervous system, anger and a decrease in self-esteem. Well, then, as a rule, well-known sores, nervous breakdowns, failures and disappointments begin ... In general, everything that grievances against other people lead to.

How to stop being offended and get rid of the offense?

By and large, resentment is a state when you blame others for doing something wrong to you, doing something unfair. In fact, this point of view is a losing one from the very beginning, since you expect others to treat you in a certain way, as if people “owe you something”. And in the end, after this or that person does not live up to your expectations, and resentment comes.

And of course, more often than not, we do not think about why a person did to us exactly as he did. You are hurt, you have been slandered, you are unhappy. Emotions overshadow the mind. All this is a fairly comfortable position - the position of the victim. Yes, sometimes they treat us ugly, and yes, sometimes our closest ones do this. It is bad news.

But there are also good ones. Do not forget that in your arsenal there are different variants perception of the situation: forgive, analyze this unpleasant conflict, or let go of both the situation and the person, if your offender is just a bad person.

Unfortunately, for many, the most convenient option is to blame others for unfair treatment, changing one environment for another. This is everyone's right, and I don’t think that an adult with such a well-established pattern of behavior throughout his life is easily encouraged to think that he himself is to blame for his disappointments.

But returning to the question: “ how to stop being offended? ”, Remember that we are all primarily fixated on ourselves. Let's take care of ourselves, loved ones, because our long grievances lead to our illnesses, to our negative mood in life, and in the end, to loneliness. Therefore, right now, once again scrolling through the head of all those who did not treat you the way you wanted, say to yourself: “Yes, it happened. And yes, it was unpleasant for me. " Now immerse yourself for another five minutes and stay in this state. And after five minutes say to yourself: "That's it, enough offense!"

After all, your life has been going on for a long time, people come and go, and your present is now only in your beautiful hands, from the very beginning, with a clean slate! Therefore, down with resentment and "offense" and forward to your beautiful life, filled with the most wonderful people and events! 🙂

How to learn not to be offended by people?

Finally, I would like to give a few simple ones, but effective recommendations, about how to take offense less.

• Remember: being offended is not constructive. The offended person often goes into a state of ignoring the offender, which does not contribute to solving the problems that caused the offense.
• Play sports and lead healthy image life: in a fast enough time, this way you will significantly strengthen nervous system that will smooth out such negative traits as irritability, resentment, insecurity, and so on.
• Be realistic. Don't live in a world of illusion and high expectations. Often, resentment begins when life abruptly brings you back to earth.

I hope that these simple tips will allow you to cope with resentment and continue your life path in harmony with yourself and others. All the best! Your comments are very welcome, let's discuss this topic. 🙂

Touchiness is one of the destructive human qualities. We often use this tool as a defensive reaction, a way to make the abuser feel guilty or manipulative. We get to know him already in childhood, imitating the reactions of adults. Over time, we begin to unconsciously take offense more and more often. It is impossible to gain control over our own experiences even when we are building a relationship with another person. Behind the constant feeling of resentment in a relationship is always hiding whole line negative emotions - I will tell you how to deal with them later.

What is this feeling and how does it happen

Resentment is often a form of unfulfilled aggression. When you are angry or upset because of someone's words or actions, but due to certain circumstances cannot give free rein to these emotional outbursts, a block is triggered inside that turns the unexpressed into a crushing sediment.

Vulnerability is a consequence of self-doubt. If you are firmly confident in your thoughts, words, actions, know how to properly work with criticism and not take subjective assessments to heart, you know about your strengths and weaknesses and working with them, any attempts to hook you will not be taken seriously.

Another option for what is hiding behind the resentment is unjustified expectations. This is often seen in relationships when we expect one thing from a partner and get something completely different. At the same time, we do not voice or discuss our true desires in time.

The danger of these feelings lies in the fact that they are able to firmly and permanently gain a foothold within us. The accumulated, unclosed experiences due to trifles, in the end, can result in much greater negative, and it will be simply impossible to stop this destructive force.

Why is a person offended: signs of strong offense

Main reasons:

• Shows people too high requirements They do not correspond. Such offenders have poorly developed empathy, they do not try to take the place of another person, to understand what motives he is following and what he is experiencing. His interlocutor simply has no right to make a mistake, so it is perceived as a disaster.
• Is in the state of a child or a victim, feels weak, does not see ways to influence the situation. This is a very convenient model of behavior, which involves completely relinquishing responsibility and shifting the blame onto someone else. Admitting your mistake is much more difficult than blaming your neighbor for everything.
• It so often happens that a person was rejected so often that he forgot how to ask for help or talk about his desires, although they do not disappear anywhere, but turn into silent expectations. Such people try to cope with everything on their own, but on a subconscious level they expect someone to take the initiative and provide them with support. To voice that they need help means to demonstrate their own weakness and dependence. Quiet, unspoken demands and reproaches turn into an unfounded insult: what to do with it is not easy to figure out.

Sensitivity is a dangerous trait. It is always associated with certain illusions that arise in our heads: our feelings are not taken into account, they do not think about us, they treat us cruelly. We tend to think out for others based on our own experience.

Meeting a person, starting to build a relationship with him, we create in our imagination a stunning picture of a joint future. The girls are waiting for flowers, romance and attention, and in response they hear: "In my opinion, this is nonsense and a stupid waste of money." How so? Doesn't he want to make me happy ?!

The roots of human resentment in psychology: what it is, resentment, and how to deal with it

Vulnerability is a consequence of deep mental trauma. This behavior is characteristic of the owners of an inferiority complex, self-doubt, low self-esteem and inability to take responsibility. Needless to say, all this greatly interferes with the development of harmonious relationships.

Touchy people are constantly waiting for help, make them happier, do what they think is necessary and right, and are very worried if someone does not fit into the framework of what they want. But is your emotional state, happiness and comfort the responsibility of another person?

Do I have to fight this

You decide. Remember that innuendo and unhealed wounds make it difficult to perceive the words of others constructively, hinder the ability to love. If you don’t learn to manage your emotions, they will take over. Think how long a loved one can endure constant feeling the guilt that you impose on him.

Why there is resentment towards loved ones

Have you noticed that the rudeness thrown by strangers is not taken as seriously as if the same is said by the one to whom we are not indifferent? For those who become the object of our emotional attachment, we make great demands, subconsciously believing that they should guess our desires and fulfill them.

The consequences of vulnerability

In addition to frequent conflicts, quarrels that lead to a break in relationships, offended people subject their body to constant stress. Nobody canceled psychosomatics, so any negative that we accumulate inside can ultimately result in the development of serious diseases. Unwilling or unable to forgive, we occupy our thoughts with self-pity, accusations, and anger. Definitely, it interferes with the enjoyment of life, forms a feeling of chronic dissatisfaction, becomes the cause of irritability and nervousness.

How to learn not to be offended by loved ones

The first thing to do when you feel this emotion is to become aware of it. You can only understand and correct the situation by accepting and vocalizing what is bothering you. Try to put yourself in the shoes of the one who hurt you. Did he really want it? Is he aware of what has been said or done? Often we think out and take too close to our hearts that which in fact has no direct relation to us. Perhaps your husband responded sharply to you because he is in a bad mood due to problems at work. Everyone has different values, priorities and pictures of the world.

Remember that you yourself are tired, sleepy, forgetful and inattentive - anything can happen in your head and in life. And you are not always ready to consciously control your state, reaction and behavior.

Learn to catch yourself in the moment of approaching negative emotions and ask the alleged abuser clarifying questions. Understand if he really wanted to hurt you, or if you are simply drawing unfounded conclusions about his words.

Understand why you are offended by everything and how to prevent this

Level up your emotional intelligence and awareness. Try starting a mood diary, stopping occasionally and noticing:

• How are you feeling now?
• Why did this feeling arise?

Write down the answers to these questions and thus collect a collection of moments that affect your condition.

Cultivate positive thinking, learn to have fun and translate into a joke any conscious and unconscious attempts to offend you. Keep it simple and let people make mistakes. Farewell. You will see - life will become much more pleasant.

How not to pay attention to trifles and not look for reasons for grudges in life: value your time

Taking offense means spending a lot of nerves and energy on fruitless thoughts, self-pity. Let your mind be occupied with more important things: good job, the desire to have a good time with a loved one, a hobby. If you find a free moment to get angry and offended, then you can find a place in the schedule for creation.

Go in for sports

Switch your head from negativity to internal and external transformations. Physical activity fills the body with vigor, improves mood and helps free the mind from unnecessary thoughts.

read books

Enrich your inner world... Sensitivity, from the point of view of my psychology, is a trait of insecure people who often feel resentment, including themselves. To develop confidence, you need to constantly grow above yourself, develop, expand the boundaries of the worldview.

Correct society

Pay attention to those with whom you most often communicate. How do these people influence you? Do you benefit from this communication? Minimize contact with those who are often offended, judgmental of others. Consider how you can expand your environment by filling your space with successful, positive, evolving people.

How to get rid of resentment against a man and not be touchy

Talk about what bothers you, do not remain silent.

You should not postpone the solution of the problem that has arisen until later. There may not be a convenient opportunity, and negative emotions are layering like a snowball. At the same time, when speaking about your feelings, be delicate, not demanding, so as not to allow a scandal to arise.

Explain to your loved one exactly what caused you to be upset or angry. Forever forget that he has to guess everything himself. His world does not revolve around you - accept this fact and be aware of your man as a separate person with your "cockroaches".

Can be tricky to find at first mutual language, but this is the essence of building relationships. Over time, you will see that you can stop many conflicts from arising with a simple conversation that starts on time.

Do not argue, but look for a common solution

Often a woman does not understand how to cope with resentment and anger at her husband, because he is principled and does not share her opinion. Men tend to want to prove their case at all costs, even if they changed their position during the dispute. Don't get emotional. Calmly explain to your opponent that you do not want to swear, and the purpose of this conversation is to come to a compromise. Be sure to let him know that you hear and accept his point of view.

Establish rules for communication

If you are offended by your spouse's rude behavior, do not seek to redo it, but together agree on certain boundaries... Surely, he also has something to "show" to you. Promise that you will take a step towards him and work on your resentment, offer to leave work outside the house (if the reason for his bad mood lies in this). Negotiate general norms in different areas of life. After that, you no longer have to explain to your husband what offended you - just remind him of the contract.

Forgive old grudges

Organize an evening where you carefully discuss everything that has accumulated inside. It is important to initially set the correct vector for the development of the conversation, set the man up for the fact that you came in peace. Do not blame in any way. Tell us about how you feel and ask if he had the same feeling? Perhaps you also stumbled once?

Find a reciprocal way to let off steam

Come up with a kind of ritual that will help you not to keep the annoyance inside. Make a whipping pillow, close up and shout in the room - it can be anything (depending on the nature and temperament of your relationship). By getting rid of unnecessary emotions, it will be easier for you to conduct a constructive dialogue.

How to deal with intense resentment and betrayal of a man

Each person has something that he cannot forgive. For example, treason, deception. It is important to outline these boundaries already at the initial stage of building relationships in order to avoid misunderstandings and the formation of tacit expectations in the future.

10 tips from psychologist Daria Milay to get rid of resentment

• Never make major decisions while in this state.
• First, answer yourself: what exactly offended you, why it could have happened and why you are unable to react otherwise. Only then tell the abuser about your feelings.
• To remove the first emotions, take any object that will personify the person who offended you, and express everything that boils.
• If it's too difficult to discuss a problem, write a letter. It is not necessary to show it to the addressee afterwards - boldly pour out everything that worries on paper.
• Use the "self-model" in dialogue. Instead of the accusatory "You hit me!" say "I am very upset about your words / actions." The accused will always defend himself, and in the second case, you simply offer to listen to you.
• Try to put yourself in the shoes of the abuser. Think about what could have moved him. Perhaps he is also on emotions, and now you should not take his remarks seriously?
• Express your gratitude to the person you are offended with. He opened before you a large area of ​​growth and work on yourself.
• Don't berate yourself for being hurt. They are common to everyone.
• Realize and accept that no one should live up to your expectations.
• Build your self-esteem. Self-confident people do not accept negativity and know how to weed out valuable and unworthy information.

Conclusion

Let me summarize a little. What to do if you suddenly feel that you are offended:

• Get to the bottom of the true emotions that you are experiencing (what is it - sadness, anger, disappointment?
• Understand if your feelings are related to the fact that internally you agree with the abuser, but do not want to accept it.
• In no case do not accumulate negativity in yourself - solve problems quickly and set boundaries in communication.
• Don't make the person feel guilty, but carefully point out the mistake.
• Goodbye and breathe deeply!

If you do not understand how to deal with resentment against your husband, get rid of it and vulnerability, overcome resentment with the help of psychology and stop resenting everyone, sign up for mine and get answers to painful questions. Together we will find true reasons problems and draw up a plan to solve it.

Almost all of us sometimes feel resentment, some more often, some less often.

Sometimes a feeling of resentment creeps in completely imperceptibly, as if whispering something from within.

And sometimes it covers with a large wave, which can be carried along its way.

With the help of 7 mindfulness tools to help you find the cause and quickly release the need to be offended.

So what to do?

1. Get out of the state of "I am a victim".

When we say “I was offended,” as if we were declaring we were offended, someone else is to blame for what is happening. An emotional reaction arises due to the dissatisfaction of the other person. And this is shifting responsibility to another, in fact - a state of the victim.

Therefore, instead of “I am offended”, say “I am offended”. By doing this, you take responsibility for the feeling that has arisen and can already work with it.

Is it easy to say? But with a little workout and easy to do! - When you are offended, you internally shrink, you often become small and insignificant, as if nothing depends on you, everyone around turns into offenders.

Express it with your body - just squeeze as you inhale, close completely, do it strongly, strongly, and with the exit straighten, straighten your shoulders, straighten up, breathe in deeply, say “I am not a victim, I am responsible for my internal state, for myself, my life and my reality, I am a creator! If necessary, repeat several times: quickly squeeze, as if in offense, then quickly open up, manifesting a different state - creation and responsibility for your creations.

Whom you choose to be at such a moment - a victim or a creator - is your will and your responsibility.

2. See yourself through the eyes of the offender

TOEvery person sees this world from his bell tower and very often cannot see the whole picture, and understand the point of view of other people. We tend to consider ourselves correct, and others are not. Is it logical?

Therefore, if we try to stand in the position of another, try to understand or simply see the situation through the eyes of another, why the other did this, what prompted him to do so, then we will be able to see the whole picture as a whole, and not only from our bell tower - from the position of “I’m right”. And often it becomes funny, illogical and generally unnecessary to be offended.

After all, we take offense at parents, wives, husbands, friends, people in general, at some situations ... just because they had no time, because they saw the situation in their own way, forgot to do something, or were not in the mood, or did not speak, misunderstood something, or in general for life because the situations do not turn out the way we want.

Well, what to be offended at? We are all living people, we can all forget, get tired, say not what we meant, hurt, not cope with emotions ...

You can learn how to work with your emotional states, including resentment, in the lessons of the free introductory course "."

3. Ask “What am I missing now? what exactly do I want now? " - and give yourself this.

Often behind the resentment there is a desire to get something, a lack of something, which can be fully compensated for with the help of resentment - attention, love, understanding, etc. So it is quite easy to manipulate the resentment, making someone guilty and demanding that he do something. then for you. Inside, the mechanism is often prescribed "I will be offended - I will get something".

But! 1x, you can ask others for what you need directly, 2x, you can give yourself what you need yourself. - This is already an adult position, when you can take care of yourself without shifting responsibility to anyone.

4. Separate the childish part of yourself from the adult and give your childish part of love and protection.

Most often, to be offended is a childish condition, this is a wounded inner child who lacks something and asks for help. So help him - find this part of you, your inner child, understand what his wound or trauma was, hug, say “I am here, I am near, I will take care of you, you are under my protection, I love you very much” ...

5. Say to yourself “Stop. I don't want to poison myself. "

The brain sends a signal to the body, to produce certain hormones, to increase blood flow ..., - it starts chemical reaction in body. It's just that the offense is quite toxic, it pours into the body like a slow poison, and if there is a lot of it, then this can completely undermine health or some vital function in the body.

If insult destroys me first of all, it poisons my body, my thoughts, my state in general, is it worth it to be offended? Is it for my good, or at least it is worth considering whether I want to poison myself in this way or choose something else?

6. Ask yourself "What do I really feel?"

Often behind the insult is anger, anger, a sense of injustice, a desire to defend, acute dissatisfaction with the situation, etc. But it is not customary to express anger and anger, you cannot stomp your feet, shout loudly, express your disagreement, create a conflict ... But it is quite possible to be offended.

If there are completely different emotions behind the offense, acknowledge them and allow yourself to let them out, at least on your own.

7. Change the usual way of responding.

If resentment is your habitual reaction: you said something - you were offended, often without even understanding why, then it is important to cultivate a new habit - instead of being offended, for example, take a few deep breaths, switch your attention, start making funny faces, and laugh ... You can ask where this offense is in the body and breathe “this place”. I usually start doing small physical exercises, even if I'm sitting, it quickly helps to release this charge in the body.

The most important thing here is not to suppress the emerging emotion of resentment, not to cram it inside, but to switch your attention and action to something else. So then not to get stuck on the offense, but after understanding the usual way of reacting, replace it with something else.

As you can see resentment - as a signal showing "there is something there!", "pay attention to me." And at such moments, instead of plunging into her pool and stewing in it, sorting out the behavior of the offender, how bad he / she is and what is to blame, you should turn your attention to yourself and deal with yourself: “why am I behaving like this? way? what is my benefit? and what motivates me? ”.

And at this moment you can see that it is beneficial for you to feel in this way, this feeling gives you something, because it supports internal trauma, belief, emotion, a state of sacrifice, etc. And I hope, with the help of the proposed tools of awareness, you will realize this reason and quickly release the need to react to something with resentment.

How do you deal with resentment? Which of the proposed methods will you take into your piggy bank of actions? - Share in the comments below!

Good luck in everything, Evgenia Medvedeva

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